Who Exactly Am I?

Once upon a time there was someone who wanted to be happy but never could and wrote symphonies and painted masterpieces with his own blood and sin
and the whole applauded when he shared his feelings
and booed when he held them in
but when he had his back turned they scoffed and chided
they laughed and mocked
he asked people to love him and they looked at him and shook their heads and smirked and ignored

but every time one of you needs me i fucking answer the call
and i devote all of me to everyone and it gets so fucking exhausting
and you upload photos of you having fun and i wish i could be there
at the same time i wish you werent in my life and i think about deleting you
from the sites from the phone from my life but i cant
because you're just like a dream
so far but so near
and i cant remember all of the good parts but the bad parts linger and im sorry
and i am so sorry
but i always apologize and i dont know why i do
is it because i always feel like i have wronged?

or is it because the night time is a time when my guard goes down and my mind takes advantage?
because the only time i feel completely honest is when the owls are flying and hooting
and when people are sleeping and drinking their pains away
because i feel so alone in a room full of people
and i cant handle it anymore
and sometimes i wish i didnt exist
but sometimes i value my life
and im not sure what type of time this is
maybe its a new sometimes when its both

but i dont know

i never know

i never will

i take my pills so daddy doesnt hate me
and so mommy doesnt worry
and so brother will talk to me
and so sister wont ignore me
and so friends wont know the real me
the crazy me
the wild me
the me that feels like i should jump in front of the traffic on my way to the cafeteria
or the me that doesnt want to make my life a waste
or the me that tries to talk to girls
or the me that drinks with others because drinking alone makes me cry

i dont know who i am for sure
and im not sure if i want to know what others think of me
yet it keeps me awake at night for hours
and why i always write these goddamned posts
and tell people i love them because they mean a lot
or say to girls "you're beautiful" because
if they know that they are attractive
they might not feel like me

i dont want anyone to feel like me