Angry Rant

• i just..i can't ignore people when they talk to me because it seems so rare and then i'm like yes i want to be your forever friend and then i go on these fucking awful wild goose chases and it just leaves me emotionally exhausted and usually mad and upset at myself for something i can't control and i just wish people would talk to me without wanting to use me as a messenger pigeon and fuck

• its just

texts and facebook messages are usually: hey what did we have for homework? when was that due? hey, mind doing x for me? and i'll just be like yes because i'm fucking scared to death of losing friends. like every person is precious to me because of being told that no one will ever like me when i was growing up probably contributed this extreme duty i feel i have to do shit for people and i shouldn't have it and it's not fucking fair. why should my insides turn hot red and my stomach start churning when i'm doing something for someone because they don't want to (again, you're forgiven, you had less of a part in this)? i mean fucking shit. is that all i am to people? a fucking messenger pidgeon or a fucking parrot? fucking relay messages or fucking repeat due dates or homework assignments? no. fuck those people and i hate them.