Sunday, September 13, 2015

If I could manage not to Fuck This Up

Snap my neck and spine
Tell everyone I'm just fine
Grandma calls on the phone
Put out the Marlboro so she doesn't hear me draw
Breath at random intervals as I crawl
Towards nicotine the ruler
But it's better cancer when I'm 40 than cutting my body open every night

Put my cigarette out on my arm just to feel something
I can't feel anything for days but the sting
Of the harm I've caused others and myself
Should I jump off the Sewickley bridge or OD?
Sorry that last line didn't rhyme
I'm just trying to be honest for once, I really only have time
To feast and smoke and be merry
I'm not gross any more but really will anyone marry
This gross shell of a human
Autocorrect is my friend
Because my thumbs are clumsy
Even though I quit drinking

But maybe I should go back
I miss the warm feeling
But I'm not in the head for indulging
I gave that one away a long time ago

Different faces for different people
I've dropped out and maybe it's best that way
Take another drag until I feel the heat on the filter
And even then

"Never give up
Keep fighting!"
They told me repeatedly in the hospital
But for some sick reason I'm enjoying this spiral into mania and sadness

I'm so anxious
I can't breathe 
Someone help