Soft Skin (Revival)

We stood on the edge of the building as if I was there to jump;
but you stopped me and held me close.

I told you I loved you
You responded "I love you too"
I didn't let go of you for some time

As I confided in you my dreams and goals for the future, I slowly realized all was not lost.
We planned out our lives and promised to make a goal for every single day.

The silences in between our words were not silent at all;
we were wondering about the future and if these things would happen

I no longer felt like my life was meaningless
as we looked down at the cars passing.

No one knew we were there
No one except the stars and the moon themselves, as we were at the peak of the world

The Price I Pay

The Demons have returned
slowly but surely
they are taking over
And my angel is here no more
For I've Wronged Her

There is no going back from what I've done

Only one direction:
forward

Onward I must march:
The army of me, myself and I.
Hindered by mass
desertion and suicide, we
press onward.

Our Waterloo is near.

We must decide if we want to be imprisoned by Helena the Saint.
Or if we should beg for forgiveness by those we've have transgressed.

Because forgiveness is next to godliness
I pray
Every morning and night

There isn't a waking hour that goes by
that I don't think of the
gaping hole in my
heart

Because
what I've done is
abominable and unacceptable and I know
that I am just groveling at your feet

But if there is one thing I cannot live without
it's you

Teacher's Assistant

Today is my last full day of being a teacher's assistant. At first, I didn't know what to think of these kids, but slowly, I came to appreciate them. They're a good bunch, even if they can be annoying sometimes. I think these 12 weeks have really prepared me for what dealing with students is going to be like if I'm going to be a high school history teacher.

Things they've taught me:

1. Don't be a stickler for little things.
2. Don't assume they are copying work when you don't even know what's going on.
3. Do connect with them.
4. Do make jokes.
5. Empathize with them and their situation (because you were there two years earlier).
6. DON'T think you're prepared to teach a lesson (because you probably aren't at all)

If any one of you guys reads this, I wish you the best of luck in your high school career and beyond.

The Final Twitch Before Death

What if I didn't wake tomorrow?
Would anyone really care?
What if no one stopped and felt sorrow?
Would it be as if I was ever there?

There in your heart,
There in your mind,
There on this earth,
This rock hurtling through space to which we call home.

I don't mind if you don't respond,
Honestly, I don't care.
But you know you were the girl to whom I fawned
But you just turn your back and give me quite a fair share

Of what this world is really about.
Does it matter?
Is Heaven real?
Is there someone who could love this soul so worn and teared?

You once gave me hope
For my life and the future
Now you leave a taste in my mouth that can't be taken out by soap
And rip open these wounds that were healed and sutured

I'm not so sure about if I'll wake up tomorrow
Or the next day or the next
But if one thing is for sure, it's that I'll fight to the bitter end.
I'll fight to prove you wrong.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today isn't that bad of a day. I got chocolate from my valentine, a bunch of fruit snacks in my lunch, and a currently unknown present from Rachel.

I still have to deliver two valentines.

New Girl and Raising Hope are both on tonight, and since it's Valentine's Day, they will be really good and cute.

I also got a Senior Superlative! Most Random!
SUPER HAPPY.

Voices

The power of voices are amazing. A voice can make you tremble with fear, fill with guilt, explode with happiness, heal wounds, send chills down your spine, and make you laugh until your gut hurts. Whether it's your best friend singing one of your favorite songs as you stare at the ceiling counting the number of tiles, or someone you didn't know cared hug you and tell you they appreciate you and that you need to hold on, a voice can do wonderful things.

You mean so much to me. Don't ever look down on yourself or on anything you do. You're perfect. And lately I haven't told you I love you. And I'm sorry. I still do. But it's getting harder and harder for me to say things lately. My mind is breaking down and I don't want to scare you but I can't vocalize how I feel about you because it would come out wrong and horrid and awful and ugly. And you are the complete opposite of that. Don't hurt. Always love. Never falter. Always stand strong. Always be you. Never be fake. Because if we talked again there would be one truth shining out forever and ever into the endlessness of space. That truth changes everyday for me. I don't remember what happened a lot of the time. But who cares? The end of time is always the beginning of something else. The end of a relationship means the strengthening of dozens of others. The last thought before falling asleep just sets the tone for your dreams, in which anything is possible.

Never fall.

Excitement

I'm pretty pumped for this week and next. I get to do the "Crapshooter's Ballet" which is the male-only dance number in Guys & Dolls. The dance is also this Friday, and Rian said we were going to hang out this Saturday, which is always fun. We also only have 3 days of school next week, and 4 days the week after, which means a 5-day weekend. I'll probably go tour Marshall on the Monday we have off, which will be sweet.

Ya know what? Life ain't so bad.

Zoloft

Death is like a flight going down

You reach a peak in your life; then you fall

Further and further, until you crash

A corpse in a blood-stained gown,

She never saw the murderer in her lover, handsome and tall

Death is like a flight going down

Icarus put a warning into the back of his mind but found

that the wings his father fashioned melted when he went too tall.

Further and further, until he crashed.

There are people who smile outwardly but inwardly frown

They make jokes to hide the fact they want to die curled in a ball

Further and further, until they crash

The silent echoes of days that passed without a sound

The flashes of blinding darkness that accompany the night from winter to fall

Further and further, until we all crash

Death does not care who we are, to him, we're one big improper noun

From monks at monasteries to kids at malls

Death is like a flight going down

Further and further, until you crash

Validation

I've gotten into my top choice of college. I've lost 3 pounds since January 1st and kept it off. I am maintaining stable relationships with my friends. I haven't tried to harm myself in about two or three months. I know people like me. I am having fun with musical.

Yet I don't feel validated. I don't feel appreciated or wanted. It's probably just another thing I have to work on, but I feel like I'm a leaf being blown in the wind. No one pays attention to it. No one appreciates it.

Nothing.

Running away

Sometimes I just feel like running away from everything. From Sewickley, from my family, from school, from friendships, from commitments, from myself. Everything. I'm too timid to do it though. I'm all talk, and no action. I constantly write about how I would make sure a girl would know she's loved by me, but if it came down to it, I would probably just get scared and run away.

I like to think of myself as a sensitive male, one with emotions, one who cares more about others than myself, but I'm not. I am emotional, but that's about it. As much as I would like to think of myself as a romantic, I'm not. I'm a guy, I think about boobs and asses and meaningless one-night stands.

But I'm too scared to make a move. It's like I want to make an advance towards a girl, but I'm too afraid of the consequences. I would like to go out with a girl and have a meaningful relationship, but I'm all too worried that I will get bored with her and dump her.

I'm more afraid of what people think of me than I let on. Sometimes I say so many jokes because I feel like if one isn't funny, then the next one will be, and that will make me popular. I don't think I actually fucking care about popularity, but I'm still concerned with it for some reason.

I like having close, meaningful relationships with just a few people, but I wonder if I had more hollow, fake relationships with more people, I would be more socially acceptable.

Sometimes I don't want to wake up because I don't think I can handle another day. But I'm too scared to harm myself. The closest I've come to suicide is having a bottle full of sleeping pills in my mouth and then spitting them out. I don't think I could ever do that again.

I haven't felt like myself in about a month. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. But I have to press on. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Until it all seems like a blur.

COLLEGE

I GOT INTO MARSHALL. MY TOP CHOICE. FUCK YES.

Worn thin

I am so tired of being tired. I know that's a cliche, but I can't think of any other way to phrase it.

I haven't felt like myself for around a month. I just feel like a stranger in my own body.

I am always tired, even when I get 10 hours of sleep.

I am always unfocused, even when I take my meds.

I hate it.