Monday, December 31, 2012

Year in Review 2012


 Became a brother in Alpha Phi Omega
 Dressed up to go to the zoo.
 Daisy, my dog, was put down.
 Met these guys.
 Got a job at Wal-Mart.
 Saw (and cried through) The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
 Acquired the ability to make some goddamn fantastic pancakes.
 Graduated high school.
 Went to a lecture (well, as much of a lecture as it could be) by Zach Weiner and got Jesus being Fonzie drawn on a book of his.
 Became obsessed with Doctor Who.
 Played an insane drunk hobo in a film by a friend of mine
 Met Gage who was going to the same college as me.
 Went to prom with a lovely lady and had a lovely time.
 Went to a 4-in-1 concert with two good friends.
 Went to the award show for the film I was in.
 Went to Rian's birthday party and laughed as the tent almost caved in on us.
 Started hanging out with these chumps.
 Attended my last year of Senior Camp.
 Played Big Jule in the school musical (and had my corneas chemically burned).
 Last Senior Camp dance.
 Got accepted to Marshall University.
 Got new threads.
Lost 16 pounds over the summer.
Started talking to a wonderful girl who makes my life better every day.
 Spent many fantastic days with my other two-thirds.

Said "see ya in two years"to Dan as he went off on his mission trip.

If 2012 is any indicator of what the future will bring, I'm really excited. Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Yeah we sing and we may miss the notes but that doesn't mean we can't produce beautiful music

Most of the time I think that everyone is going to leave me. No clue why, but that is always in the back of my head. No matter how happy I am, no matter how fantastically my life is going, it's an ever-present worry. When I had one of the best weeks of my life at church camp, which made me stay for another, my mind was racing the entire time, as I believed my mother had paid off these two other campers to befriend me and bond with me. I didn't mention it at the time, because that would be crazy, right? Right. It was crazy, and didn't turn out to be true. My brain sometimes fucks up fantastic things. It does. I mean, who wouldn't be human if their brain didn't mislead them? Sometimes, I get mad at God for making me so neurotic, but you know what? He did that for a reason. He made me the way I am so I could get stronger over time. I think that if I believed no one truly cared about me, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Probably 8th grade, if not then, 9th. So many fantastic experiences would have not occurred. I wouldn't have discovered writing, I wouldn't have met so many fantastic people in my life, I wouldn't have learned that history is one of my true passions in life. I wouldn't have experienced my first kiss, the stomach-flipping experience of grinding at a school dance, the two-year heartache of Claire, the six-month period in which I contorted my brain to make me think I "loved" every girl that talked to me to get over her. I wouldn't have had the balls and the "Oh, what the hell?!" to kiss on the rooftop. I wouldn't have ever learned that life isn't too bad after all. I wouldn't have learned that it's okay to cry. I wouldn't have read Perks of Being a Wallflower. I wouldn't have been able to be myself around my two best friends. I wouldn't have finally gotten my license and driven around. I wouldn't have gone to college. I wouldn't have found out that being away from my house is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't have found out that I can feel truly content with what I look like. I wouldn't have found out that stopping exercising and stopping eating makes me miserable and sickly. I wouldn't have fucked up so many things. And you know what? I'm glad I can never truly believe no one cares about me. The good and bad things that have come from me not killing myself wouldn't mean as much if they were just good things or bad things.

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
                         -The Eleventh Doctor

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the beast

hey fuck it because im on one
the only one who knows what it is truly like to be me
im gone and in the sky yet i havent had a drink in a week or two
but im still here living and laughing and loving and crying and dying and wanting to be helped
i got the license and i drive and i swerve and i crash and the ambulance comes and they dont find anyone there because my body has already turned into something else and i lean and i fall as i run, with my clothing tattered and singed and tears drop from my now hollow and empty eyes and i cry escaping the beast and i cant escape
darkness catches up
it swallows me
it envelops me
i am gone

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

does it really matter in the end?

cacophonous sounds fill the air
as my 3 strikes rule is quickly used
up go my hands when i get the busy
signal after signal is sent to me but i am too oblivious to
notice after notice is sent to my conscious but i cant grasp the
severity of my crimes is enough for the jury to not
hang myself as i tie the noose sitting invisible in the corner of social
interactions between myself and me never turn out
right between the crosshairs there is a child that looks so
familiar to this situation i bite my lip and hold back the tears because i am
weak is how she views me if i am kind to
her hair is gorgeous and i hope to see it
soon very soon i will be going
home is where the heart
is it really all worth it

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Late night poetic thinking

Beautiful soldier come Take Your place., March alongside me in the never ending war come and we shall fight against The endless enemy We slash and hack our way through life and when we perish on the battlefield so valiantly lay next to me so that when they discover  our bodies they know we died together