If I could manage not to Fuck This Up

Snap my neck and spine

Tell everyone I'm just fine

Grandma calls on the phone

Put out the Marlboro so she doesn't hear me draw

Breath at random intervals as I crawl

Towards nicotine the ruler

But it's better cancer when I'm 40 than cutting my body open every night

Right?

Put my cigarette out on my arm just to feel something

I can't feel anything for days but the sting

Of the harm I've caused others and myself

Should I jump off the Sewickley bridge or OD?

Sorry that last line didn't rhyme

I'm just trying to be honest for once, I really only have time

To feast and smoke and be merry

I'm not gross any more but really will anyone marry

This gross shell of a human

Autocorrect is my friend

Because my thumbs are clumsy

Even though I quit drinking

But maybe I should go back

I miss the warm feeling

But I'm not in the head for indulging

I gave that one away a long time ago

Different faces for different people

I've dropped out and maybe it's best that way

Take another drag until I feel the heat on the filter

And even then

Inhale

"Never give up

Keep fighting!"

They told me repeatedly in the hospital

But for some sick reason I'm enjoying this spiral into mania and sadness

I'm so anxious

I can't breathe 

Help

Someone help