Year in Review 2012

2012

 Became a brother in Alpha Phi Omega

 Dressed up to go to the zoo.

 Daisy, my dog, was put down.

 Met these guys.

 Got a job at Wal-Mart.

 Saw (and cried through) The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

 Acquired the ability to make some goddamn fantastic pancakes.

 Graduated high school.

 Went to a lecture (well, as much of a lecture as it could be) by Zach Weiner and got Jesus being Fonzie drawn on a book of his.

 Became obsessed with Doctor Who.

 Played an insane drunk hobo in a film by a friend of mine

 Met Gage who was going to the same college as me.

 Went to prom with a lovely lady and had a lovely time.

 Went to a 4-in-1 concert with two good friends.

 Went to the award show for the film I was in.

 Went to Rian's birthday party and laughed as the tent almost caved in on us.

 Started hanging out with these chumps.

 Attended my last year of Senior Camp.

 Played Big Jule in the school musical (and had my corneas chemically burned).

 Last Senior Camp dance.

 Got accepted to Marshall University.

 Got new threads.

Lost 16 pounds over the summer.

Started talking to a wonderful girl who makes my life better every day.

 Spent many fantastic days with my other two-thirds.

Said "see ya in two years"to Dan as he went off on his mission trip.

If 2012 is any indicator of what the future will bring, I'm really excited. Happy New Year!

Yeah we sing and we may miss the notes but that doesn't mean we can't produce beautiful music

Most of the time I think that everyone is going to leave me. No clue why, but that is always in the back of my head. No matter how happy I am, no matter how fantastically my life is going, it's an ever-present worry. When I had one of the best weeks of my life at church camp, which made me stay for another, my mind was racing the entire time, as I believed my mother had paid off these two other campers to befriend me and bond with me. I didn't mention it at the time, because that would be crazy, right? Right. It was crazy, and didn't turn out to be true. My brain sometimes fucks up fantastic things. It does. I mean, who wouldn't be human if their brain didn't mislead them? Sometimes, I get mad at God for making me so neurotic, but you know what? He did that for a reason. He made me the way I am so I could get stronger over time. I think that if I believed no one truly cared about me, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Probably 8th grade, if not then, 9th. So many fantastic experiences would have not occurred. I wouldn't have discovered writing, I wouldn't have met so many fantastic people in my life, I wouldn't have learned that history is one of my true passions in life. I wouldn't have experienced my first kiss, the stomach-flipping experience of grinding at a school dance, the two-year heartache of Claire, the six-month period in which I contorted my brain to make me think I "loved" every girl that talked to me to get over her. I wouldn't have had the balls and the "Oh, what the hell?!" to kiss on the rooftop. I wouldn't have ever learned that life isn't too bad after all. I wouldn't have learned that it's okay to cry. I wouldn't have read Perks of Being a Wallflower. I wouldn't have been able to be myself around my two best friends. I wouldn't have finally gotten my license and driven around. I wouldn't have gone to college. I wouldn't have found out that being away from my house is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't have found out that I can feel truly content with what I look like. I wouldn't have found out that stopping exercising and stopping eating makes me miserable and sickly. I wouldn't have fucked up so many things. And you know what? I'm glad I can never truly believe no one cares about me. The good and bad things that have come from me not killing myself wouldn't mean as much if they were just good things or bad things.

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."

                         -The Eleventh Doctor
                   

the beast

hey fuck it because im on one

the only one who knows what it is truly like to be me

im gone and in the sky yet i havent had a drink in a week or two

but im still here living and laughing and loving and crying and dying and wanting to be helped

i got the license and i drive and i swerve and i crash and the ambulance comes and they dont find anyone there because my body has already turned into something else and i lean and i fall as i run, with my clothing tattered and singed and tears drop from my now hollow and empty eyes and i cry escaping the beast and i cant escape

darkness catches up

it swallows me

it envelops me

i am gone

does it really matter in the end?

cacophonous sounds fill the air
as my 3 strikes rule is quickly used
up go my hands when i get the busy
signal after signal is sent to me but i am too oblivious to
notice after notice is sent to my conscious but i cant grasp the
severity of my crimes is enough for the jury to not
hang myself as i tie the noose sitting invisible in the corner of social
interactions between myself and me never turn out
right between the crosshairs there is a child that looks so
familiar to this situation i bite my lip and hold back the tears because i am
weak is how she views me if i am kind to
her hair is gorgeous and i hope to see it
soon very soon i will be going
home is where the heart
is it really all worth it

Late night poetic thinking

Beautiful soldier come Take Your place., March alongside me in the never ending war come and we shall fight against The endless enemy We slash and hack our way through life and when we perish on the battlefield so valiantly lay next to me so that when they discover  our bodies they know we died together

Abandoned Freestyle

once upon a time not too long ago

A kid troubled by his soul

cast a great long shadow 

because happiness was the one thing that he could not find

No matter what, the daily grind

went on and he could not deal

because time stops for no soul

no matter how tormented

and the shit that he had to go through from both his friends and his foes

The constant fear of losing someone that was close

Or that he was annoying the shit out of that one girl he loved

and used to like but wasn't so sure

and he bought her shit like every fucking time

he could but she had no idea that he did this

and thought he wasn't spending all his money on her

and he wasn't

he had a pocketful of change

But that pocketful of change couldn't apply to him

and he was always sad and alone

He thought he felt a buzz

but when he glanced at his phone

That goddamn vibration spectre played a trick

And he fell deeper into the mindset of the sick

Year of Gratitude

I'm thankful for a lot this Thanksgiving.

• My other two-thirds, Dan and Rian.
• Friends away at college and other places. Katie, Rachel, Zach, Harley, Hannah, Chuckie, Caroline, Liza, and too many other to list.
• My roommate who has put up with me.
• God.
• My parents and my family- both nuclear and extended.
• My friends at Marshall.
• My fraternity for accepting me and being my friends.
• Peterkin.
• Rikke for always being there for me.
• Beatriz for being awesome.
• Doctor Who for giving me something to look forward to.
• Poetry for giving me a way to express myself.
• Eddie for being my best friend and always being there to slap me in the face and tell me that I need to buck up.
• Music for enriching my life.
• College for letting me further my education.
• Tom for always being there for me, and for introducing me to new music.
• Amy for teaching me what it is that I truly want in life, and for helping me find out that I need to straighten myself out before I try to find love.
• Alison for being my Sam.
• Stephen Chbosky for writing one hell of a book that has saved my life.
• Everyone else who has made me who I am today.

I am not thinking straight so this won't be a giant sappy post, just mainly a list. However, you can't escape this: I love everyone who reads this. I love everyone who loves me. I love everyone who has been supportive of me. I wouldn't be here today without the people I mentioned, and they are fantastic. Thank you everyone. I love you all.

Softly Fading With The Light Of Day Breaking Through The Shades And Landing On Your Skin

What's the point to this madness?
This blissful monstrosity we go through?
As I leap through the hoops set for me,
I stumble at night when I'm all alone.

Please God
Let someone be there for me
Just this once
Just this once

I want to be wanted
I want to be reminded of it
I want you to send someone
I want to be happy

Because I'm a selfish person
And a sinner
And a thief
And a monstrosity

So please make me a blissful one

Nothingness.

This sinking feeling in my stomach
Like in a pool being drained
Being pushed downwards, shit out of luck
Wondering if this happiness is real or feigned

Stuck at the bottom
Acting solid, but totally hollow
I don't know why I once sought 'em
Girls just go in and out of 'relationships', the douchebags and abusers they follow

Should I drink away my pain?
Should I avoid everyone I know and be on my own?
Should I stop taking my medicine and show everyone that I'm actually insane?
Because 40 dollar copays make up this tattered facade that has been stitched and sewn

The One Time I Am Right About A Relationship It's Been Said All Along

I realized we would never work was after us fighting and me feeling like I want to die. All I want in life is to be happy and loved. I need to find someone who can make me happy and loved. I do think God brought us into each others life, but not for a romantic reason. He brought us together to learn from each other and from our experiences. This long distance thing would never have worked and I should have realized that earlier. I just wanted to hold onto the belief that you were the one for me.

Imaginary Disease

His mind is sick and tortured;
he cannot communicate with the outside world

He is in solitary confinement;
he cannot move on his own, he needs a tube to breathe

He has become a machine;
his heart is beeping, not beating

He is checked on daily by the finest doctors and physicians;
their reports all say the same thing, "brain dead on arrival"

He wants to break through;
he wants to tell her he loves her

____________________________

The machine squeaks to a halt;
he is pronounced dead

He is in a room full of crying people standing near a raised box;
he walks over and sees his body, dressed in his Sunday best

He tries to lean on the coffin;
his hands and forearms pass through it

He sighs heavily;
blinking his eyes to stop the tears

He decides to go into the great beyond;
he turns around

He cannot believe his eyes;
she's standing right there

Time suddenly stops;
seemingly unaffected by the pausing of time, she walks forward

Somehow able to see him, she smiles;
I loved you all along, she whispers

He tries to speak;
her finger comes to his lips, silencing him

I know you loved me as well;
she continues to say

You will be at peace;
she kisses his lips lightly

Everything started to fade together;
the faces, the colors, the people, became a bright light

Only her face remained;
he felt a gentle squeeze where his hand used to be

A feeling of warmth washed over him;
he embraced death, and walked into the light

_______________________________________________

A heaving female body was strewn over a body in a hospital bed;
as a long tone sounded

A man in a white coat announced;
Time of death, 10:01 PM

Happiness

Good things in my life don't normally laugh. I'm not talking about having good people, good groups of friends, or people who care about me. I'm talking about happiness. Happiness never sticks with me for long. I was really happy this past week, but then I got rejected 9 different times. I lost my phone. I feel terrible and exhausted. A girl I really like just started dating someone. Everything is slowly going away. I hate it.

Would darkness by any other name be just as frightening?

I walk the city streets alone
Turning up my coat collar as the cold nips at my neck
My breath is visible in front of me
The love of my life is plastered all over the billboards and posters and bus station ads
I can't get her off my mind
I'm a hopeless wanderer.
I asked her to hold me fast, but she said no.
I said I would change, but she said she had enough of my lies.
I tried so hard to live in the truth, but I was lost in the haze of the world.
As I drift from bar to bar, the whiskey's sting in my mouth is the only thing I can feel.
That, and the cold nipping at my neck.
I trudge along, my feet dragging across the ground as I see a happy couple leave a bar and hail a cab.
I smile and remember back to when we used to do the same.
We'd get back and kiss and love and hold each other.
I find myself stumbling to a dark alley, illuminated by a single, flickering orange light.
I walk under it and it begins to die.
I look up and smile and whisper "I'm sorry, old friend," as it flickers and fades to darkness.
I am left in darkness.

19 Candles Signify 19 Unfulfilled Wishes

1. I have the best friends in the world.
2. I have depression and too many issues to count.
3. I fall in love with just about every girl I meet.
4. My biggest fear is being alone and unwanted.
5. I feel that if I talk to someone too much, they will tire of me and stop being my friend.
6. I love rap music.
7. I absolutely love God and Jesus because they love me no matter how much I screw up.
8. Peterkin is my favorite place in the world.
9. Rian's car is my second favorite place in the world.
10. Leaving my house and going to college is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
11. I can make friends with a lot of different people.
12. I'm a selfish person.
13. I am very shy unless I feel comfortable in front of someone.
14. I tend not to know when I've passed the line.
15. I try to give at least one honest compliment per day.
16. I'm a virgin.
17. I want to be a teacher or author.
18. I still don't have my driver's license.
19. I want to be happy.

Growing Pains

I know that we grow apart every time we meet
And each time we touch, I tremble
But every day hurts
Because I'm soft and I'm weak
Slaughtered day-in and day-out
By the very same thing that brings me great joy

Ripped out and stomped on the ground
I know my weakness which is a great power
And I can't stop using it because it pains me
I have to love because without love, what would I be?
A thoughtless man drowning in a despair-filled sea

I'm sorry that I feel sorry that you feel sorry that we feel
But it was naïve of me to think my head would remain above my heel

Because when one feels the lighthearted effects of love
It is forgotten that one's head is heavy with depression swimming circles around self-doubt above

Which the self-assured and self-exalted sit, point, and laugh
While some of us drown in financial woes and are impaled by the ever declining bar graph

But don't let this be a tale of fret or dismay
Because "I'm fine" means that my heart is deflating and once more I believe the next girl I see is going to be my fiancé.

Your eyes contain galaxies

The universe shudders in awe at your presence and rapidly grows
in an attempt to contain it
but you are too great.

Your beauty is greater than the loveliest sunrise or the calmest sunset.
The Milky Way is honored to host such a beautiful presence.

Other galaxies try to destroy us out of jealousy and spite
with their black holes of hatred
but we remain and you preserve the basic building block of life; carbon.

Ever since your birth, the Earth's temperature has risen up and up because
you are a star
living on this planet.

This semester is full of tears not spilled

Alone alone is how I’ll always be

No one to care for me or tell me I matter

One should always see

How much they mean to someone else, and to not get any sadder

But I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine

Unfailing like the erosion of the rock by the ocean wave

Forever and ever, over and over (No giving up, this is a sign)

Even though rejection is frightening, I’ll be brave

Put myself out there again and again

Shout my love from the crag

Swim from one end of the River Seine

All over the world until I reach the other end (Listen to my heart, I beg)

Rid myself of all impurities

Build up resistance to these infections and aches and pains

Train myself to dismiss offers of infidelities

As I sit upon my throne of skulls and lies, I watch the world burn while I turn more insane

Hold me closer because I cry inside

I pick at my skin and my hair because all I see when I look in the mirror is imperfections

I drink and make a fool of myself because no one here really gets me and everyday my past self has died

All I can think of is all of the well-intentioned misdirections

I miss last year even though every day I wanted to get out

This year so far, I’m a lot less neurotic and have far fewer irrational fears

I can go out at night and in the city without thinking of being shot, nor are my tear ducts waterspouts

And the drumming grows louder, no longer softened by the once never-ending tears

Facts of Life (Austin)

Austin you left the world way too soon

The tears that stained my face and wet my pillow that night was a monsoon

Of emotions of the kid I never really knew

For three years I talked to you

And you loved Halo and Pokemon

And the color green

And a guest you always were

Never wanting to be blue

Because blue isn’t happy

Blue is sad and the chilly air bites

And nips at my arms

And I think of you in the ground some 3000 miles away

And I get chills

Goosebumps form and my arm hair stands on end

Because a happy boy to me

Might be unhappy to himself

And I wish I could have fixed that

And I know it’s not my fault

But I want to help you always

So this year I’ll walk

Walk out of the darkness

Walk out of the hurt

Walk out of the shadows

Walk out of the cold

Walk into the brightness

Walk into loving arms

Walk into the light

Walk into the warmth

Because no one deserves to die at age 17

Not you or me

Not the boy across the street

Not the boy in Uganda

Not the boy in Ukraine

Not the girl in Venezuela

Not the girl in Uzbekistan

Because life is so precious

You have to hold onto what you have

Because otherwise it’s just a waste

Of the gift God has granted to us

So go out and change the world

Go out and make a mistake

Go out and be a fool in love

Because you have the rest of your life to be right

And as chills consume my body

And my soul is growing weary

I think of my best friends hugging

And I feel warm once more

Physical Abuse of A Drum Most Likely Leads to A Conviction

Some people are so open that they have a hole in their chest where their heart is visible
and if you stick your hand in that hole and try to touch it
you'd touch the biggest lie you've ever felt
because they try to love everyone with all of their heart
but they get overextended and crash
but keep the appearance there
because when they lose the physical closeness
the proximity in location
they feel as if they've been left
behind in the dust
just another photograph to fade in the sunlight
and eventually disappear and crumble into dust
and because they aren't there, they love less
and don't know how to function
because they were only accepted by the others
and now that they're in a new place
who knows who will accept them
because it's certainly not themselves.

Trifecta

Hell If I Know

Sometimes I don't know what will get your attention
Or if I'm talking too much
How about the fact that my sins will one day prevent my ascension
Because of how much I want to touch
you are my muse and my downfall
My cure and my poison
You console me, but fear leaves my finger hovering over 'call'
because sometimes you make my face turn crimson
from holding in the tears while you berate me
and I nod and agree with everything you say
because at the time it seems true and I see
exactly what the fuck is wrong with me that day

Beginning of the Middle

First day of class was a success. My professors all seem awesome and I can't wait for Wednesday when I get to have those classes again. I just came back from the gym (which I've been going to almost every day), and while I'm not at my lowest weight, I'm at a respectable weight. I feel more attractive, I don't think I'll be as lonely now that classes are starting, and I cannot wait to become the best person I can be.

I miss my friends. I keep thinking I see them out of the corner of my eye, but obviously, it's not them. Oh well, this will be a growing experience. I need to grow.

College, get at me, I can't wait to grow.

College Kids

Distance has nothing on any of us.

Together Again

the only thing keeping me from breaking down right now
is listening to the songs we all enjoyed
and i have no idea how
i am going to get through this year without you two to fill that void
that is ever-widening in my heart
like a crack in a driveway that is small at first
but soon can swallow you whole like a star in space that falls apart
and the tears are welling up and i shake my fist and then cursed
the heavens because obviously distance doesn't mean a thing
when you love someone with your whole heart and soul
because soon we'll be reunited, a queen and two kings
and i'll be careful, you two will be the entire basis for my self-control

Time

I only have two more full days at home before I go off to college.

Time passes in a way that we can't understand
Because if we did, we would master it
We would manipulate it and no long united we would stand
Because we'd use it to hurt and deceive one another
We'd lie and we'd cheat
We'd steal and we'd fight
We'd do incredible feats
But not under God's bright light
There is a time and a place for holding on dearly
To those we love and adore
But the time is rapidly approaching
Where we must walk away after shutting the door

I shouldn't be left alone
to my own thoughts
words and deeds because
what I've left undone
has been done and done again
in my mind
your manners my mother always
said Jesus "forgive your neighbor up to 70 times 7"
but what if my neighbor has surpassed that amount Lord
Almighty grant me the strength to not gut myself right
now and rip out my insides and stitch myself back
up and show my insides to the world and yell
"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW"
that I always do show my insides by posting links on sites
so that i know people give a shit about
how much I hurt inside and
how awful I feel
and how much my insides torture me
and I wonder if God had made my heart and brain smaller
than actual size, I'd be happy.

Quitters Never Win

I know it might just be who you are, but you are making it impossible for yourself to be happy. And that is painful to watch. Of course you want someone to love you, but life won't just hand you happiness and say "here you go, sweetie". I know you've been working hard with the weight loss, and it's GREAT, but there are more things you have to work on - your confidence, your well-being. And you need a spine, Tim. Seriously. You're tearing yourself down. You need to straighten your back and carry yourself like you know your own worth. Respect yourself. It's the first thing people notice. It just makes me sad how well you hide your good traits. It's much, much less about the physical aspect of it.

It's more about how you view yourself. If you think about yourself as "fat" or "worthless" or "lonely" or whatever it is you think you are, that's ALL everyone else will see. If you start embracing yourself and LIKING your personality and your looks, you will be so much more attractive. Keep your chin up. Stop whining, stop throwing yourself at people. Treat yourself with as much respect as you treat others with. Be a gentleman, be a good friend and take good care of yourself and you will feel much better. Chasing happiness and love is exhausting as hell. You end up running right past the things that really matter. You don't have to change anything to be likable. You just have to stop hiding the good parts of your personality behind insecurity and desperation.

Love: How I view it, want it, desire it, crave it, and how I'm letting it destroy me.

Me: i just feel--- disgusted with myself

Her: why?

Me: For believing in love. For putting so many girls up on a throne they didn't deserve to be on at all. For feeling like I NEED to be in a relationship so that... maybe if i throw love at every single girl, even if they don't deserve it, one might throw even just a scrap of love back and I would hold onto that scrap and that girl because I feel like I need to be loved.

Her: Are you referring to me?

Me: For the part when I throw love at you, yes

I did love you for a bit

But even afterwards I kept throwing love at you

I always have wanted someone to love me, whether it was an intimate relationship, friendship, or something completely different. I have always thrown myself at girls. I have felt attraction to them for laughing at my jokes, and subsequently spent the rest of the day thinking about how I could woo her and then marry her. I know that sounds pathetic, but that's because it is.

I have always craved attention. It makes me feel loved, even if just for a second. I believe it is part of why I am so loud and "out there". I tell jokes to shield people from seeing the real me; the boy that has been hurt and abandoned so many times.

The first words I could say were the names of the "Thomas the Tank Engine" characters. I kid you not. I always sat down in front of the TV for hours rewatching the same tape, pretending that Thomas really was my friend and that the Island of Sodor was real and I could go there with enough asking my parents. He was there for me when my family wasn't. And that was a lot from what I remember.

Whenever I like a certain TV show or video game, or something of that nature, I delve into it. I explore it like it was real. I fantasize and dream about it, most likely because it could never leave me. If I needed it to be there, it wouldn't hold its finger up while on the phone and then forget to talk to me while I cried in my room. It wouldn't tell me it was so excited to see me and then never show up. It wouldn't ignore me whenever I tried to talk to it. No, it would comfort me while I cried when trapped in the basement. It would stand up to my brother and sister when they were ganging up on me. It would have told me that it was okay to feel sad sometimes, and that I wasn't a freak. Whether it was pretending that I was in Harry Potter, or dreaming about being able to waterbend, or playing Pokemon, I was sucked into another world that helped me escape my own.

The first girl that I had to get over has the privilege of having the majority of the early poems on here written about her-- CJ. I fell in "love" with her in 9th grade Civics. She was an angel. So beautiful, so gentle, so heavenly. For the next year, as I experimented with drinking to try to help my depression, I kept on trying to impress her; baking cakes for our lunch table every chance I got. It didn't work. In the fall of 11th grade, I decided to be proactive about my approach to her. I went to the homecoming dance with the goal of walking up to her, asking her to a slow dance, and telling her my true feelings. At the dance, I scanned the crowd during one of the grinding songs, and there she was-- dancing with someone who would become her boyfriend. My stomach dropped to my knees, then back up to my throat as I threw up in my mouth and then dropped right back down to my knees. I was devastated and as I just about had the thought of them out of my mind, and my stomach almost back to its proper place, I made the mistake of looking up. They were in the same spot-- back to front, like they were about 45 minutes ago. My stomach started dropping again, but I swallowed the acidic juices as they rose up my throat. With my throat stinging, and my eyes watering, I resigned myself to dancing with my back to the group for the rest of the night.

A week later they started dating.

I wouldn't have treated her right though. I am too much of a spineless fuckwad to. Even though if I had her, she would have been the best thing to have ever happen to me (well, that's what it seemed like at the time.) But now, when I see her and him together, it makes me so happy that I was able to let go. I was able to let go and let her be so happy and realize that she and I probably wouldn't have been that great together.

Since I don't love myself, I use that lack of love and a normal love on every girl I know so that there would be a chance that even one of those girls might love me just a little bit, which would probably never be enough for me. 

I don't believe in love anymore, however.