dead bird.

witty retorts come out of my mouth but the emptiness is unavoidable
the rotting brain fused with the pavement from the pressure of feet and tires
stays no matter how long ago the minimum wage worker scrapped it off

the unavoidable consequences are upon us and i want to know
if death is part of this cycle
im not taking my pills anymore.

it seems like everyone is leaving
and not paying attention
i cry out but no one gives a fuck.

drunk her says i talk too much so i back off but its hard
sober him doesnt respond when i tell him i miss him
unregulated me doesnt go to therapy because nothing she can say will ease the pain.

ive gained back weight
probably because im so fucking terrible
and deserve to be an ugly husk of a soul.

lately i wish i could fly away
but with these wings clipped
i doubt i could even soar for an inch after jumping out of my 12th floor room.

damn i bet people would be sad
but i wouldnt care because its not for them
they dont have to be me.

i need to take my pills again.
im should go back to my room and take them.
but what if i break the seal and soar?

portrait of myself

'the blood is so realistic'
'the whites of his eyes are so white, as if a pill crushed'
'the blues painted with his soul'

cut up and used every part of my being
crushed and maimed and destroyed
put back together into something tragically beautiful

what the fuck did i just pick up??
a piece of my body falling apart?
it reminds me of the texture when i was being hurt

goo oozing out of my soul
my eyes are empty and hollow
as are the bones that i wish would break

im 12 floors up and i can jump out of this window
open the levers and push and jump
but its too easy

how can i be so perverse for a hopeless romantic?
sans romance
im a hopeless pervert

sexually repressed and emotionally regressed
back to when i was hurting and hurt
myself and drank it away

swallow the pain that you caused and cause
and effect those around you with your pitiful suicide notes
in class you think everyone hates you but youre wrong

fucking programmed for failure
since the age of 3
why did i want to go to the closet in the first place?

that hollow fucking stare
that hollow fucking mixture
the hollow fucking act of desecration

and all these fucking thoughts racing around in my head
cant pierce the veil of how much i want you to be back here
distance is a terrible fiend

HORNS

the breakdown in the

trumpet section

as the first

and

second

chair

fight

for dominance

over the oppressed

reed players

the soft clarinet

squeaks as its crushed to death

from the giant tuba dancing

dancing

dancing

It's Not Like Anyone Is Okay In The End, Right?

I want you to know what real sadness is

not the hallmark card version that you know

im sorry that you got your heart broken

but try having your heart broken by life

day in

and day out

my tears reek of disparity and loneliness

please drink some more of my sadness tonight

drink up theres plenty more

drink up before you go

you will never know what life is when you have to take pills every day and still not be able to live a normal life

Imagine having someone you love tell you that youre worthless

welcome to years 7-15 of my life

i still think it sometimes

life is a long and winding road

but not when you have friends there to support you

haha hashtag throwback to the first poem i submitted

taylor ripped it apart piece by piece and said it sounded like something a 13 year old girl would write

well look at me now im 20 years old and im single and im trying to get my life together and i still think im worthless from time to time and the pills dont always help as much as i want them to and i wish i could cry how i wish i could cry

im sorry

musing on lives lived and died

depression was my mistress
always there to comfort me as i retired to my bed
reveling in my darkness
the loneliness never left but i was never alone

a lobotomy would have rendered these vibrant pictures i paint with the bleakest of colors a valued commodity
but since the flowers i sent for algernon never finished their journey
should my life end prematurely too?

tomorrow is a new day
sayeth she and he and they and the doctor
'well thats very clear' i politely reply
'but id rather die a violent and fiery death right now'

self-immolation had never been so trendy
i cry out between sobs
'do you love me yet'
the answer was a earsplitting silence

'one last kiss' i beg her as she puts on her clothes
'one last surge of inspiration'
she smiles at me and walks out the door
i look beside me and see the rest of my life measured out in sets of two pills-- a parting gift

oxymoron.

hey man i need a hit of this shit youre slinging
haha what you say
what say you
fuck im not shakespeare
will.i.am not a fucking wordsmith

everyone has their demons
and everyone has their vices
but why the fuck do i have to be an addiction-predisposed kid in a mid-life crisis
at the age of 20 shouldnt i be living the life of some freemans
cacophonous idyllic nightmare

ha and dont remember my name
or my face
because everyone is leaving me without a trace
and my only claim to fame
will be me hanging from a rope


haha thats morbid i know
and i know this is isnt that fucking amazingly constructed
but every once and again i gotta just do what the fuck he did
cuz i cant live up to my glorious older bro
IM NOT HIM SAY THAT YOURE PROUD I DO THE BEST I CAN DO

because otherwise ill be swinging from the end of a rope
by my hand or the government
like its the 1880s, i gotta learn to cope
and im calling in all your sins, repent
and learn to live in love

tell rock n roll im sorry that i cant save it

im just the man on the balcony
singing no one will ever remember me

fucking remember me i scream at the archangel michael as i tumble toward my death
i only want what i cant have i cry

dont ever help me you piece of shit complex nervous system
im anxious and nervous fucking punch me punch me

i enjoy companionship but i took it too far
im sorry that im repressed

one passion filled punch and im through

youre the reason for the bags under my eyes
youre the reason for these fucking night terrors

you are a terror
you fucking disgust me but i cant take my eyes off of you no matter how heavy they are
i am nodding off now returning to a land of failed suicide attempts
perpetually hurting

seventy proves that seventy proof

the prettiest little girl in all of my dreams
who makes me not want to slit my throat
and wrists and chest
and she's real, i tell ya doc, she really really is

she's really really gone for me
what a fuckin' dime

i love her so much doc, i really really do

every time she tells me that she loves me without me telling her i love her
i go to bed with a warm feeling
and i dont know why i wear these tinted glasses she gave me

ive never liked roses before now

---------

hey doctor d?
why do you think it is that i fell for a gal like her?
why, i outweigh her probably by a time and a half
shes petite and-- hey doc? you listening?

ah, time's up?
see ya next week

-----------

i dont know doc, i just kinda feel like not going into the office. i think ive gone terminal.
i cant move and i lost my appetite. i think im just filling up on liquid all the time.
it hurts to think and my coworkers are wondering where i am.
fuck em they dont get it

-----------

doc i really fucked up i really did
i fucking messed up doctor d
and now shes gone and left me doc she really fuckin did what did i do
doc i dont wanna live

-----------

shes with someone else doc im gonna scream myself hoarse

-----------

the prettiest little girl in all of my nightmares
makes me want to slit my throat
and wrists and chest
and she's a real bitch, i tell ya doc, she really really is

she's really really gone for another guy
what a fuckin' broad

i fuckin hate her so much doc daniels, i really really do

i was so blindly in love that every time she told me that she loved me after i pried it out of her gritted teeth i went and set myself ablaze
and i dont know why i wear these tinted glasses she gave me

i fuckin hate roses, jack, i really fuckin do

Straddling The Line Between The Ledge And Death

have you ever just wanted to throw your life away
cut your hair off and watch it go down the drain?

circling the endless void
waiting for it to go away?

no amount of pills
or shrinks
or drinking
or smoking
will make this go away

fuck! the greatest curse ever!
literal. metaphorical. hopeful.

lo! when the fuck is it going to be my turn?
I only want what I can't have

I only want to be happy
I only want to be at peace

But incorporating lines from Fall Out Boy
and posting selfies with cocky captions
can only go so far

As far as I know, the peace of mind that I seek
is only for those who haven't been to hell and back

let me jump
let me leap
let me die if only for a minute