Excited and Nervous

Another monotonous day
Just living for happiness
Waiting for my life to merge with my dreams
Where we’re together, happy, and free
Free of all doubt
I snap back to reality
I look across the room
Trying not to catch your eyes
See your face
It comforts me and for a minute, I let go
Of all the things
Both present and past
Those things that make me sick
And make the face in the mirror go aghast
And to think that you could be so oblivious
You were innocent and now you are lascivious
Is there even such a thing as true love?
I thought you were sent from above,
I guess not.
Store-bought.
Pre-made.
I’m afraid.
The still steady beat of the drum in the battleground brings me back to where I am.
I’m here you’re there.
The barrier between us is immense and I cannot breach it.
You’ve found a new ally.
I can’t break your alliance, so I turn away.
I’m through.
Fall back on my friends who love me in a way impossible for you.
A way that your mind cannot comprehend
For you, my arms will no longer extend
Instead, I will focus on those dear to me
I will throw away the key
The key to my heart

Train of the Unloved

This is the train I'm riding on
You can never determine when you get on, you can only choose when you get off
The lonely ride in one car, the forsaken ride in another, the abused in another, and in the last car, I ride.

I have been here for what seems like eternity.
It seems that people come and go all the time in this car. Some stay longer than others. Some jump from the train car, others pass away from the trauma they have suffered. Some are lucky, some find a support to lean on.

I have slowly forgotten all about me. I know not my name, my family, or my childhood. I only know how I got here. It was my own fault. I should not have misjudged the distance.

This is the car of the broken hearted.

Graduation Party

Oh my god that was quite possibly the most fun I've had all summer.

I hope you have fun with that space paper! I have another roll at home if you want some!

P.S. Extreme Couponing is freaking insane AND the same thing every episode.

"We had to dig in the woodchips more because winter was coming, and if we thought someone had gone into our hole, we would get angry."

My Serenity

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.

Everyday is a battle
I can’t weather the storm
Fighting to stay afloat
God, why did you capsize my boat?

You test me and push me
You wave these temptations in front of me
The Bible says that my body is a temple
If that’s true, then it’s been ransacked by a rebel

My mind is so fucked
Why can’t I feel happy?
Everyone around me is content with their life
But everyday, I have to resist picking up the knife

I don’t expect to last much longer
My thrashing about is doing nothing
I guess I just have to wait for someone
I cause my own misery; I tapped myself as a hired gun

I’m out of energy
I can’t hold on
Everything disappears as my body shakes
You are standing over me, shaking me awake

I'm sorry.

Trip

This time I’m going alone
Don’t fret, don’t bemoan
I am not coming back from this trip
I will not be intact

I am going searching
The proverbial searching
I yearn to be who I once was
I strive to be happy

I cannot deny the existence of love;
I can only deny the existence of brotherly love
I can not deny the evidence set before me
I can only judge it

We can only figure out ourselves
We cannot discover others
They are as unknown to us as we are to them
Our souls are encrypted with the mystery of life

The Show Goes On

Summer Plans:

1. Hang with at least one person: Check

2. Get invited to a party: Check

3. Get invited to a Graduation party: Check

4. Kill a man: still working on it

5. Go to the beach and meet some people: Not there yet

6. Get tan: Working on it

7. Get my license: Almost there

8. Freestyle rap: Check

Is it too late to apologize?

Too late to start my apology?

The one you've heard countless times

But the one I still have to recite

The words are burned into my mind

It's the same old song and dance

I will change

I am going to take a chance

And put myself out there

Show someone else the love they deserve

A wise person once told me

that you'll never meet the person you'll spend the rest of your life with in high school

Just one more year

I can make it

Athazagoraphobia

I'm sitting here in the car

Just wishing that you would notice

Honking the horn when I see you

Flashing the lights when you leave

I can't take it anymore

The silence

The cold shoulder

I can't take it anymore

The way you move right past me

I want to fix what I did wrong

But I need to know what I did first

I want to fix this

I need to fix this

Hold me now. Don't start shaking.
You keep me safe.
Don't ever think you're the only one
when times are tough in your new age.

-Hold Me Now, The Polyphonic Spree

Music One

I'm probably going to be listening to this nonstop for the next few days.

Oxygen

What are we talking about when we have no idea
I can’t’ imagine you feeling like this
17 years old and she can’t even breathe
Gotta live before you die

Trying to grasp the concept of emergence
You need to have experienced life because its good
Never give up
Better to die trying than to die never having tried at all
Better to jump and then fall
Rejection is a reality
Murphy’s law applies at all times
We need something to happen, but we cannot rely
The sisters spin the thread
They coldly decide when we end up dead
They weave, they sew
They always tell us no
No chance
No success
No winning
Haters going to hate
Losers going to lose
Winners going to win

So take a chance
Never look back
Never be upset
Because if you fret
You’ll miss the good things

what

HOLY GOD IT'S SUMMER!

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 7 YEARS THAT I HAVE HAD A SUMMER THAT WAS OVER 90 DAYS.

This summer, I am actually going to get fit. Or at least become a healthy weight.

I'm going to the beach for a week and a half.

I am going to go see The Perks of a Wallflower being filmed.

I am going to go see The Dark Knight Rises being filmed.

I am going to have fun.

HOLY HELL, I'M A SENIOR WHAT

Summer

sometimes feel like I'm holden caulfield,
sometimes Jack Keroac.
I wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.
Don't want to rock the mic,
don't want to meet the pope,
I just want to share with you,
how we got this peace and hope.

--Superpowers, Five Iron Frenzy

#1,

Let's please hang out this summer. I rarely hang out with anyone over the summer, but you seem like you could possibly be an exception. Today was awkward, and it was fantastic. Good luck tomorrow, you have one more final AND THEN YOU'RE DONE!

#2,

I thought I hugged your dad; this is awkward. You are really pretty, you have an awesome taste in music, and and basically the best thing since the Patronus charm. I'm glad we got to know each other this year, and I hope that we have mad adventures with #1.

#3,

TEACH ME HOW TO SUMMER- TEACH ME, TEACH ME HOW TO SUMMER.

To seniors:

I will see you tonight. It will be magical. You have powered through this shithole known as Quaker Valley, and tonight you will be rewarded. I will be there. I may or may not be crying like an infant. Don't feel embarrassed to give me a hug.

P.S. I won't let you leave without one.

Lust

Sometimes you just want to end it all
Cannot believe you've gone this far
Off the deep end,
you took the plunge and forever you fall


You've got nothing to lose
You've got everything to gain
You think you know how to play this game
You are not the master, the creator, the powerful, you are the one who has taken it too far.
You are playing God, a sin so bad, you've created an extra level of hell.
Floor 8 is where you are locked, only the truly sick and twisted wind up here.
You were so possessed you gave up your health to make sure your plan came to fruition.
Possessed at first by love, but then by lust. Lust for one to feel the same way towards you as you do towards them. Lust for human contact, lust for a happily ever after, lust for your dreams to play out.

A lust that became so diluted that you had no idea what you were doing. You became a monster.

Stupidity

Today I learned that if you're a douchebag, but good looking, girls will go insane for you.

Really?

Fuck life.

Fleeting

It's stupid to worry about the trite things in life
When you, the most able person I know, are discouraged and belittled by those whose opinions you care about
There is beauty in everything, most of all in you
When you think you are alone in this world, I will be with you; standing from afar
When you believe that you cannot get back up, I'll be the voice in your head that pushes you forward
When you stumble, I will be there to catch you before you fall to the ground
When you are at the top, please remember me
When you are walking down the red carpet, with hundreds of pictures of you being taken every minute, please recognize my face
When you finally reach the good life, please let me be a fleeting memory in your mind
Besides, what are friends for?

Anuptaphobia

I took a drive to clear my mind.

No, seriously, I actually took a drive to clear my mind. Not the "I'll just sit here and brood" kind of drive, but a nice drive, where I had to worry about real things, like the old lady riding my bumper for going the speed limit, or driving over a stupid child riding their bike in Ambridge. You know, the real stuff in life.

I realized something. I don't need to be limited by what I've been told. I don't need to listen to the lies I have grown up believing. I AM likable. I WILL have a girl finally like, or maybe even love me. People DO respect me. I HAVE real friends; no one is my friend because they pity me. And probably most importantly, I WILL NEVER die alone and broken and I AM NOT a despicable excuse for a human being.

While that is said, I still cannot take the horror of living in this house, being told these things on a daily basis. One day, perhaps, I will find someone who loves me enough to take me away from all of this.

Or maybe I won't.

Feelings (New numbers assigned)

Dear #1,

Fuck you. I didn't do jackshit and now I'm getting blamed for doing everything. I honestly hope you fall on a sword, or equally pointy object. Do me a favor and go leave this house and never come back.

Dear #2,

For real? Honestly, if you are going to try and do shit behind my back, at least be sneaky.

Dear #3,

Your poem still makes me cry. I love you so much and you saved my life on Thursday.

Dear #4,

Stop being such a stupid whoreslut, and stop acting stupid. No one cares about you, now stop.

Dear #5,

You have the power to stop all of your suffering, if you only had the balls to do it.

Dear #6,

Your pantry comes from heaven.

Love

Sitting in a living room delving deep in a fantasy world
Knowing that I am somewhere that isn't here
Sick of home
Sick of school

I glance over occasionally
I see you looking at me with a weird expression on
It's not one of hate, nor one of contempt
Not one of worry, nor one of disgust

I know not what to think
Or know how to react
I finally know
This is what it feels like to be loved

Goodbye

I've given up on you
I concede with these games you play
I'm done trying to win your love
I have nothing left to live for

I have no more heartache
I have no more love
I have no more longing
I have no more inspiration

This is the last thing I'll write you
This is the last thing you'll read
This is my last message
This is the absolute thing I have to say to you

No one can help me
These demons are mine
And thanks for asking, but no, I am not fine

I hate these monsters
They taunt and torment
Always being frightened and never content

You say you care
That you will fight these devils along my side
I refuse, but know its not because of my pride

I have no pride
My heart has been corrupted
For this isn't the first time these things have erupted

I've been battling all my life
I've always been alone
Never telling you I loved you is the only thing I'll bemoan

The final call
Please pick up the phone
I'm giving up after it goes to voicemail again
You're my last hope

I can't believe you'd abandon me like this
Leaving me in the cold with no jacket
I don't care that you're sorry
It's too late

When you show up at my funeral
Remorseful and upset
How do you think I felt each time I got your voicemail?
I couldn't believe it happened either

I'm watching from a cloud
Watching you sob
I feel no emotion
I feel nothing

Heaven rejected me because of my sin
Hell rejected me because I'm too pure
I'm subject to follow you forever
With the worse punishment of all

The curse of no feelings

Hollow

I can't stop feeling as if there is something missing inside
You took advantage of me and struck me down
I used to be able to fly and I can now only glide

You make me feel hollow
You take away my pride
Now in this sadness, I wallow

I cannot fight this trend
I cannot stop loving you with my whole heart
I cannot press send

I can't tell you how I feel; because you sucked my soul dry
Everything I know is now a lie

Seniors...

Some of you I'll miss. Others can go to hell.

Study hall seniors, you are awesome. Journalism seniors, I love each and every one of you. Key Club seniors, we need to chill sometime. Other seniors (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), I'mma miss you like Jesus misses the flesh in his wrists and ankles.
Also that one senior girl I never had the courage to tell, I love you.

<3 Good luck to all of you!

To-Do List

The senior's final day is tomorrow, and I just realized that makes me an almost-senior. This makes me an almost-18 year old. I gotta get some stuff done before then.

1. Get kissed by a girl/Kiss a girl
2. Get my license
3. Feel infinite
4. Blast classical music from a car
5. Drive with a friend to no particular destination
6. Mosh
7. Have someone outside my family tell me they love me and mean it
8. Have a jam sesh with one of my best friends

Soul without a Voice

You brought symphonies into my head, 
playing pieces so quickly, that I could not dash the melody down

You painted pictures rivaling those of the greats;
Van Gogh and da Vinci pale in comparison to yours

You wrote modern day fairy-tales;
where the geek got the girl and lived happily ever after.

You comforted my mind when it thought up absurd fears;
you brought the breaking of the sun through the clouds after the storm
(quelled the storm as only God himself could).

You conquered my negative outlook on life;
you showed me there is something to live for.

That all went away in a blink of the eye;
you found out about my treasures.

Like a band of thieves;
you broke into my heart and pilfered the masterpieces (which you created).

I am now left weeping in the middle of an empty white room;
glass cases lie smashed on the floor
pages are torn out of books,
tan lines are visible on the wall where the paintings once hung
the record player is skipping over the song of mourning.

If there is anything I can learn from this;
it is that I shouldn't have shared my treasures.

Lab Notes ONE

There are a lot of cool people that have recently come into my life. These are short notes to them.


1,

So you are probably the best person in my life as of now, as you put up with my bullshit and you are just so great. I'm going to miss you this summer, and we need to hang out and get those sammiches.

2,

Sooooo, I dunno if you know this, but I kinda had a thing for #1, and I got over her. I thought I would get sick to my stomach when I saw you guys together at prom, but I died of complete happiness when I saw you two walk through the door to the gym on Friday. You two are perfect together, and you are already the bee's knees.

3,

I'm going to be honest here, I completely love the fact that you didn't alienate me after you were shown the poem that I wrote about you. I loved you for two and a half years, and all of that just made me a better person. You and your boyfriend are adorable together. You are still one of the most beautiful girls I have had the privilege of knowing.

4,

Thank you so much for going to prom with me. I had the best time of my life, and I cannot thank you enough for including me in your post-prom plans. You are gorgeous and you will achieve anything you try. I don't really know why you didn't dance with me, but I don't really care all too much. You are fantastic and I hope that you never ever change. Also, you should paint a portrait of me with a handlebar mustache.

5,

You are quite possibly the cutest individual I have ever met. You bring nothing but complete joy to my life, and I'm glad we have gotten to know each other a lot more over the past few months. From our walks in the park, to our drives singing along to anything on your iPod, you can make any shitty week into the perfect month. You have shared so much with me, and I am glad that I can tell you anything without fear of judgment. I'm going to miss you when you graduate, so we're definitely going to have to hang out, and FINALLY make those t-shirts.

6,

I don't know why I never was good friends with you until extremely recently, but our hatred of math class has brought us together like none other! I love our gym conversations, and your extreme lateness to APUSH basically everyday this year. You're my favwobwobwob.

7,

You have talked me down from the proverbial roof edge so many times. You are so busy and you don't deserve the shit you get from your family and friends. You are so great, and I jst want you to remember to never participate in a nude performance of CATS.

8,

As besties of #1, you were introduced to me through a series of picture messages involving embarrassing candids taken of me. We now know each other fairly well, and when #1 isn't available, I turn to you for girl advice. I cannot wait to see you this summer!

9,

So we met at Summer Celebration, and then the year after that, I saw you at the 8th grade dance, and I thought you called me a "Summer Celebration Fag". Oh lawdy lawd. I am going to miss you and your genuine love of all that is hipster. I love your style and your music. I will miss playing the penis game with you. Also, I will PROBBLY come visit you like 179435 times.

10,

I know we haven't spent time together in dark tunnels, but we still need to chill some point during the summer. It will be a VEWWWY NITTTTTTTHHHHE time. I will come visit you some point this fall at JC and then we will rage, and by rage, I mean sit in your dorm room and watch Dorm Life.

11,

So I love you and our overeating at Steak 'N Shake. Thanks for being there for me lately, you've been a godsend. I love you so much, and please always be there for me MAINCRAFT

12,

You lived in my homestate. You are faced with tough shit on a daily basis. You get shit that you don't deserve. You have an amazing boyfriend. Your mom is probably the best person in the world. You are smart and beautiful and nothing can hold you back. I love you.

Why is this so?

I always feel sick on Sunday nights. I mean, I want to go to school and see my friends, but I do not want to work. Maybe this is just early onset Senioritis. Let's just hope it goes away.

Experiment FOUR

I'm sorry for the excess of posts, but I just have so much to write about, but if I have anymore to post, I'll either wait to post it until I can combine them, or edit other posts and add stuff.

So school is winding down, and I just do not want to go to school at all. Especially not to FST. That class literally makes me sick to my stomach, not to mention that it is taught by a complete jackass who doesn't know the subject material. I started to make a tally mark for every time he has made a mistake, and so far, the count is at over 24.

I'm sick of so many things right now. My author paper, my SAT scores, my AP Score (and if I got a 5 on my APUSH test like my brother who missed two weeks of school right before the test), being fat and ugly, being obnoxious, speaking my mind, my awkwardness around girls that I like, how I never fit in, wanting things but not doing the steps to get them, being lazy, and being sad.

Speaking of never fitting in, English class. I sit in the back with the majority of the boys in the class. It's a freaking guy's club. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a male, but I cannot "keep up" with these guys. Whether it's having to change my humor to appeal to them (the same humor ends up making me overdo it, and annoying the whole class), or having to latch on to someone right at the beginning of a group assignment so I don't get picked last, or not at all. God, I sound paranoid.

And so it goes...

Tim was sitting in English class, reading Wikipedia. Tim became unstuck in time. It was 2000. Tim was in bed. He was holding a flashlight under the covers, reading another installment of The Boxcar Children. It was 9:30 at night, an hour and a half past Tim's bedtime, and he heard his dad coming up the stairs. He fumbled with the flashlight, and turned it off. Then the door in his room opened, and Tim became unstuck in time again. He traveled to the future, in the year 2020. Tim was in a comedy club on Amateur Night. He was telling particularly awful jokes, and the crowd started to boo and throw rotten food at him. The crowd soon ran out of food, and started to throw bricks that were in the corner. One hit Tim and became lodged in his temple. He was pronounced dead at the scene. And so it goes...

Experiment THREE

The way you keep commenting on my progress on a human being is the only way I will ever manage to grow. You are the shining example I try to live up to. When you compliment me, it feels like I'm laying on the soft moss at the Falls, and the sunshine is slowly creeping across my body, warming me up, as I slowly drift into the most restful slumber I have ever had. The funny thing is, now that I look back to when you said I was the happiest you had ever seen me, I cannot help but agree. The only thing I was worrying about was if I had somehow ruined her night, and even that was but a fleeting thought. Today has been torture, as I didn't have anything to look forward to, except for summer, and I still have a lot to do to be able to get there. I found out that I didn't ruin her night, and that she had a great time with me. I suppose that that's all that matters in the end, isn't it? Life is bigger than me and I need to remember that.

Equinox

When the leaves fall from the branches,
When their life is no more,
I feel sad,
the quality of life is poor.

The branches are now naked,
showing their imperfections previously covered by the multicolored clothes.

Their masks are compromised,
they are now exposed for who they really are.

The only ones that stay the same,
are the evergreen trees.
The least beautiful of all trees in spring, summer, and fall,
in winter, become the most majestic of all.

Experiment TWO

Yesterday was quite possibly the best night of my life. It was prom. I had been rejected upwards of eight times, but a girl that I had liked since the beginning of the year was apparently interested in me, and she didn't have a date. She accepted my awkward proposal, and the next day, after I had finally put myself back together (this was the first time in my life that anyone had ever agreed to go on a "date" with me), I was ecstatic. I began counting down the days. One of my best friends had to endure me texting, IMing, or talking to her about how excited I was about prom everyday, which she deserves a medal for.

Last night was magical. I was sick, but I had the best time of my life. I danced, I ate, I laughed, I met new people, and perhaps most importantly of all, I made sure that no matter what I did, I didn't blow my nose into my sleeve.

My feet still hurt, and I may not have danced with my date, as I had planned, or maybe even kissed her or anything, but last night was the most accepted and happiest I have ever felt in my entire life.

Experiment ONE

I have never kept a blog for long, but I feel that I need to give people a break from listening to me rambling on and on about trite affairs. I will not only update you on my life, but I will post things that I write, things that help me get through the day, and things that I cannot help but smile at.