Hell If I Know

Sometimes I don't know what will get your attention
Or if I'm talking too much
How about the fact that my sins will one day prevent my ascension
Because of how much I want to touch
you are my muse and my downfall
My cure and my poison
You console me, but fear leaves my finger hovering over 'call'
because sometimes you make my face turn crimson
from holding in the tears while you berate me
and I nod and agree with everything you say
because at the time it seems true and I see
exactly what the fuck is wrong with me that day

Beginning of the Middle

First day of class was a success. My professors all seem awesome and I can't wait for Wednesday when I get to have those classes again. I just came back from the gym (which I've been going to almost every day), and while I'm not at my lowest weight, I'm at a respectable weight. I feel more attractive, I don't think I'll be as lonely now that classes are starting, and I cannot wait to become the best person I can be.

I miss my friends. I keep thinking I see them out of the corner of my eye, but obviously, it's not them. Oh well, this will be a growing experience. I need to grow.

College, get at me, I can't wait to grow.

College Kids

Distance has nothing on any of us.

Together Again

the only thing keeping me from breaking down right now
is listening to the songs we all enjoyed
and i have no idea how
i am going to get through this year without you two to fill that void
that is ever-widening in my heart
like a crack in a driveway that is small at first
but soon can swallow you whole like a star in space that falls apart
and the tears are welling up and i shake my fist and then cursed
the heavens because obviously distance doesn't mean a thing
when you love someone with your whole heart and soul
because soon we'll be reunited, a queen and two kings
and i'll be careful, you two will be the entire basis for my self-control

Time

I only have two more full days at home before I go off to college.

Time passes in a way that we can't understand
Because if we did, we would master it
We would manipulate it and no long united we would stand
Because we'd use it to hurt and deceive one another
We'd lie and we'd cheat
We'd steal and we'd fight
We'd do incredible feats
But not under God's bright light
There is a time and a place for holding on dearly
To those we love and adore
But the time is rapidly approaching
Where we must walk away after shutting the door

I shouldn't be left alone
to my own thoughts
words and deeds because
what I've left undone
has been done and done again
in my mind
your manners my mother always
said Jesus "forgive your neighbor up to 70 times 7"
but what if my neighbor has surpassed that amount Lord
Almighty grant me the strength to not gut myself right
now and rip out my insides and stitch myself back
up and show my insides to the world and yell
"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW"
that I always do show my insides by posting links on sites
so that i know people give a shit about
how much I hurt inside and
how awful I feel
and how much my insides torture me
and I wonder if God had made my heart and brain smaller
than actual size, I'd be happy.