Thursday, September 29, 2011


Tomorrow is the last day I will be 17, and a minor. A lot of my friends can't attend the Walk on Saturday, and I was hoping they could hang out tomorrow, but they have plans. Oh well. I'm meeting up with my homecoming date for the second half of the game, and then going to get something to eat with her. At least that will be cool. Also, I'm freaking out about school, to the point where I display erratic behavior, have scattered thoughts and can't speak in complete sentences.

Also, whoever the mysterious stranger that has been leaving comments on my blog is, thank you so much. Please please please make yourself known to me! I want to talk to you, you're basically the best ever. <3

Monday, September 26, 2011

A new found strength

I've been going through this period of alternating self-confidence and ultra-consciousness. I have no idea what brings on the confidence, but I love it. I'm trying to bring out the feeling more, but I have no idea what brings it on. Maybe I'll try constantly telling myself that I'm confident and see where that gets me.


Sunday, September 25, 2011


You can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes
You miss what you really need

The tree loses its leaves;
it shivers during the winter

The mother loses her children;
she waits for them to call but they never do

The mother loses her child;
she lives the rest of her life with a hole in her soul

If you feel like running away from all your problems;
remember there will be someone who misses you

Friday, September 23, 2011


I don't think I deserve anyone. I hate feeling alone and guilty for a dumb reason that I shouldn't feel guilty about. But I can't shake it. I can't. I'm trying to, but I just can't.

I knew I had been happy too long.
Welcome back depression

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011


The torture of not knowing how it will turn out
Worrying sick hoping you won't be hurt
I can't let my worry show

You aren't me
Your resolve is stronger
Your courage is greater

You have done many more things
You have succeeded many more times
You have lived so much more than me

I can't leave you standing there
I can't be unsure of if I need to
I can't be sure if I believe in you

Or if I believe in me


Today I feel like total shit, but the thing that is keeping me going is Bittersweet. It's kinda like last year, but this year, I have more to live for than just that hour every Monday afternoon. I'm excited for this year.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I don't know anymore

I want to write about how I am currently feeling, but I can't get my words down fast enough.
I contradict how I feel constantly.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
I don't know whether to fear or to love.
I don't know if I feel like someone should want me or to feel like no one wants me.
I don't know how to live.
I tell someone that I love them, but after I do, I don't anymore.
I tell someone that I'm okay when I'm not.
I tell someone that everything will turn out alright, but I'm not even sure of my future.
I forget to breathe.
I forget to think.
I forget to remember.
I don't know anymore how I feel, what I know, or who I love.

I just don't know anymore

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Things Lost, but not Forgotten

I lost a dear friend last year. I found out through a Facebook status, and when I confirmed it, I lost it. I retreated into myself. I felt as if all of the good things in the world had suddenly disappeared and would never come back. I cried myself to sleep the next few nights. I wore green, the color I remember him by. I put up a front for everyone else around me, when inside I was extremely sad. I hadn't talked to him recently, and I think I could have helped him find another way to deal with his problems.

When I was at church camp this year, we had a healing service near the waterfall in the woods. I prayed for forgiveness, happiness, healing, patience, and understanding. I prayed for those I had lost in the past years. But for the life of me, I couldn't remember his name. I knew he killed himself, I knew I loved him, and I knew I missed him, but I couldn't remember his name. I racked my brain trying to remember, but I couldn't. I was already crying, but I started crying even harder. I couldn't contain myself. Austin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't remember your name. I love you, and I can't wait to see you in Heaven. I'll be celebrating your life in 9 days again. Happy 18th Birthday, I miss you.

Monday, September 12, 2011


I had my first breakdown of the year today. It wasn't huge, but it was definitely the first.

Feelings of despair, depression, loneliness. It's probably just the anniversary coming up soon, but I am feeling awful lately. I can't believe it's almost been a year.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I am so lucky and thankful that I have so many awesome friends, family, and people in my life. I love each and every one of you, and I thank God every day that he has brought you into my life. I am so thankful that he keeps you on this earth with me, because I need each and every one of you more than you can even imagine. I adore all of you, and you all make me want to be a better person. You are all my heroes, and I love you.

Thank you all for being the best friends I could ever have, and God bless you all. I pray that you all are kept safe from any harm, accident, ill-wishes, and I thank God that none of you were harmed by the attacks 10 years ago today.


Saturday, September 10, 2011





Thursday, September 8, 2011

I thought I had gotten rid of these feelings, why are they returning?
I need to get some air, need to get out of here.
My demeanor is calm, but my stomach is churning.
I can't get close to anyone, it is a fear.

I can't get out of town soon enough
I collapse where I stand
Every friendly action I rebuff
I can't deal with you anymore, you're designer, and I'm secondhand

Tomorrow was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of our lives
Why does it feel like it's the last
I thought I would be the one to wield the knives
But it looks like tomorrow you'll be flying the flag at half-mast

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

80. Trapped

There is a recently widowed woman behind a black veil at her husband's funeral. Her face is pale and looks youthful, although it has evidence of wrinkles on it. She is crying silently, trying not to attract the attention of one of her family members. They always make a fuss over her and they would do so even more because of the circumstances. She holds back a sob as the priest starts to talk about how he died. He left the office at 5:30 PM on the dot, as usual. He traveled down the road for a distance, as usual. He slowed to a stop at the Washington St. and Jefferson Ave. intersection as the traffic light was blinking red and then stayed red, as usual. He turned on the radio to the news at 5:37 exactly, as usual. He was then shot in the head by a sniper at 5:37 and 14 seconds. Two grenades were then thrown at his car and it exploded. His body was never found.

The police don't know what happened. It was probably a random act of violence. They closed the case as there was no one around to see what happened, as usual.

She hiccuped as the priest started to end the service. He ended with some talk about how he died doing what he did everyday, and how he was an honest Christian man, who "never harmed anyone, not even a fly". She scoffed and was immediately shushed, even though she was the grieving widow, no one thought it would be her.

She rose and walked curtly out the door with her arms crossed as soon as the service ended. She knew what type of monster he really was, and she was going to show the world that his death was no accident.

She was going to find her husband and make him pay for crossing her. She had 48 hours to find him before he left the country, and she intended to use every second of it.

Senior Survey Answers

1. Nickname

A: My friends call me Tim or Timmy, but most adults know me by "dat hot piece of ass".

2. Student Email


3. Have you attended any other high schools? If yes, where and for which grades?

A: Grades 9-11 Alcatraz Juvenile Detention Center

4. With whom do you live? (For example, both parents? father and stepmother? mother only-father deceased? or another arrangement. Please describe.)

A: Both of my parents are deceased. They were murdered by a man when I was a baby. I have a scar because he tried to murder me, but my mother sacrificed herself and somehow her love saved me and weakened him.

5. Which major or majors are you most interested in?

A: Wizardry

6. What is the one thing you most want a college admission office to know about you?

A: Every month, during a full moon, I transform into a werewolf. You should probably lock me up or give me a Wolfsbane potion.

7. What events, circumstances or experiences have had a major impact on your way of thinking either positively or negatively? (For example, moving, cultural differences, accident, family circumstances, death, special opportunities, etc.)

A: Well, I am white, but my adoptive parents are Antarctican, which makes for some awkward conversations with my adoptive grandparents at Thanksgiving, but their incessant squawking and somewhat racist comments have made me a stronger person.

8. Describe 3 of your positive qualities. Please give examples of how you demonstrate them.

A: I am very sassy. For an example, read my answers. I am also single and ready to mingle, and able to enjoy a nice pair of slacks no matter the occasion (the last two are self-explanatory).

9. What are your most noticeable shortcomings?

A: Some say I love too much.

10. What factors are most important to you when choosing a college?

A: How hot the girls are, how crazy the parties get, and if there are any girls that are into fat guys.

11. In 2-3 sentences, how would you best describe yourself to a stranger?

A: (Okay Franz, play this one cool, you have this stranger hanging onto your each and every word) Hi I love you. (Dammit.)

12: What do you like to do for fun? (Hobbies, other special interests, etc.)

A: Beat up orphans and take their pocket change, help the elderly cross the street, and start riots.

13. Please list the community service you have done since 9th grade (the place, the number of hours (your best guess) and the name of the person overseeing your service):

A: No

14. 9th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 9th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)

A: I was in juvie, but I stabbed a guy with a shiv.

15. 10th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 10th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)

A: I pulled myself together and started to work out everyday, but soon enough, I realized heavy breathing isn't exercise.

16. 11th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 11th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)

A: I joined a prison gang/cult and gave away all of my earthly possessions to the leader. I ultimately found out that the gang was actually running drugs across the Portugal-Spain border at night, and I was released early cuz I squealed.

17: 12th Grade: What do you plan on being involved with senior year?

A: Hopefully women.

18. What did you do this past summer?

A: I starred in an autobiographical movie. It was very popular and is number one in terms of money earned for box-office debuts.

19. What honors, awards or recognition have you received in high school? Of which are you most proud?

A: I uncovered a drug run, and killed the Dark Lord. What more do you want?

20. Please give an example of a failure, disappointment or criticism and how you reacted to it.

A: I'm currently coping with the last 17 years and 11 months, I need more time to evaluate my reaction.

21. What is an academic experience you had that was very important or meaningful to you?

A: I once saved a cable car of children and my redheaded girlfriend at the same time. I had to execute the timing perfectly, or else both would die. I guess that's a real world application.

22. What type of student are you? In what academic setting do you do well?

A: An attractive one. I do well in an academic setting where I can sing "I'll make a Man Out of You" as loudly as possibly.

23. How would one of your friends describe you? Tell us why. (Go ahead and ask them)

A: I don't have any friends

24. Is your academic record an accurate reflection of your ability or is there anything on your transcript that needs to be explained?

A: Unless it doesn't say I undercovered a drug run, then no.

25. List any colleges your family members have attended, and who attended each one:

A: My entire family has attended CCA (Community College of Antarctica)

26. What are some potential career options you have considered?

A: Male model, steam train, King Henry VIII, King of Space.

27. List any jobs you have held, the length of time you worked each, and a brief description of your work

A: Emperor of Spain (1798-Present)

28. Do you want to participate in a Division I, II, or III sport in college? If yes, Which one(s)?

A: I want to participate in Division I Quidditch and Tiddlywinks.

No complaints

I thought I would have more to complain about. But I don't. It's odd, school usually makes me depressed beyond belief, but I'm doing fine. I'm probably jinxing myself, but I don't care. I'll fight through it. A lot has happened in the past few days. Friendships renewed, lies told through my teeth so I will appear like a 17 year old boy, plans for after high school, nightmares and daydreams, records found, and smiles shining throughout the darkness.

I don't know what type of person view me as and I've always wanted to know what people have thought. When people tell me, I feel as though it's filter so my feelings won't be hurt. I hate not saying what they mean or feel, it creates misconceptions and false thoughts. I know people read this blog, even when I don't post anything. I had 24 unique pageviews this weekend within a 24-hour period, and that made me smile. I like the fact that people want to keep reading what I write, no matter what it is. I wish I knew who these people are, but I don't mind knowing that somewhere, someone cares enough about me to regularly check this.

People make me smile and make me mad, they make me laugh and make me weep.

I don't know who I will meet, but I don't mind, as long as there is someone out there keeping an eye on me.