Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dissolved Glue (Talking)

Last night, I felt infinite in a different kind of way
I wasn’t exactly happy, I only felt limitless

The kiss, an unknown forbidden desire
The most sincere I’ve ever given

The climbing of the stairs
As silent as it was, it was the loudest thing I’ve ever done

You told me we wouldn’t get caught
I took a leap of faith and trusted you

This morning I awoke feeling different
Was it hope that was flowing through my blood?

Today she talked to me (not her, the other one)
She seemed like she was ready to resume

But the bonding that happened last night
Seemed to have undone the one I was hoping would be strengthened

Is this what should happen?
Or should I balance the two?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Senior Speech (Things I wish I said)

Oh dear God.
Musical is over. I don't know what I'm going to do with my time now (there's no way in hell I'm putting time back INTO schoolwork).

Last night (this morning technically) was awesome. I talked to so many people from the cast I hadn't really talked about. I can't believe I didn't cry. I would have talked longer for my senior speech, but I was told we had to keep it to a maximum of 2 minutes, and with my pauses at the beginning, I think I went a little over. So I guess this is a continuation.

To all of the girls: You are all beautiful. You all were fantastic out on the stage and it is a complete pleasure for me to have met you. I hope you continue to do fantastic things in your life and to never give up on anything, especially not life, because that's one of the most precious things of all.

To all of the guys: Damn you dice, give me back my money. It was great to be able to get to know you and grow closer to you over the past few months and I'll miss each and every one of you. Don't hesitate to try to talk to me or anything. You all are great.

When a star explodes and dies, it is millions of light-years away, so when a star fades for us, it died many, many years before

When a star fades, we don't perceive it because there are so many other ones that take its place

Musical was the northern star for me; burning bright and leading me home, but even though it's faded, I don't perceive it as such because there are 60 new stars of equal brightness taking its place.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Musical

I am so tired. I'm trying to keep my eyes open. I'm surprised I'm awake. I'm probably going to fail my math test. I forgot to eat breakfast. I fell asleep in the shower for 5 minutes this morning. I lost 3 pounds. I had so much fun last night. I can't wait for opening night. I hope my friends can come. I hope I can make people laugh. I hope I can sing well. I hope I don't get sick. I hope I don't sweat off my mic tape and makeup. I hope I do well.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Musical Rant

Sometimes I feel like I don't have to try to get into character because I feel so fucking isolated. Almost everyone has their own little groups and cliches and while everyone is nice, I just feel out of place. I feel lonely and angry. I fucking hate it. For the love of God, just come over and talk to me or something. It took a fucking profanity-fueled rant on Saturday for more than the person talking to me to console me. Still. Fucking shit. I love musical, but sometimes it just irks me.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Cold Sun (Left Alone)

The sun makes me smile;
its warmth crawls across my body, starting at my toes and moving up my body until it reaches my face, waking me up gently

Like I think you would do if we were together;
but we won’t be because i am too flawed to let it happen
because i’m not that flawed, I just like to think that I am.

I wish I could let you know in what ways I would change so we could be perfect together;
but that list is endless and i can’t anymore change myself to please others

So we’re through even before we began

Monday, March 12, 2012

Lists that keep running in my head

My Personal Flaws
Things to do
Things I wish I could do
Words I cannot say
Words I wish I had said
Ways to keep myself alive
Why I wasn’t picked
What I’ve done wrong
Things I cannot take back
Reasons for harm myself
Reasons to not harm myself
Do I smell bad?
Do I smell good?
Do I look good?
Is my fat showing?
How does my breath smell?
Am I being annoying?
Am I breathing loudly?
Am I as smart as any person in here?
Does anyone in here care about me?
Am I happy?
Why can't I do the things that will make me happy?
Why can't I take chances?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I make myself want to vomit
and I scrub myself daily
to rid my body of the oils
and the dirt
that are attracted to me
and it hurts so much
after I’m done cleaning myself
I’m still so dirty I throw up

Friday, March 9, 2012

Conflicting Styles (Hurting)

I’m so tired;
it’s like when a bird has to take a rest from flying
And although I complain a lot, I am generally happy.
Although I can’t believe
That I hurt this much from a girl i can’t see
And when I finally figure out who I really am
I can’t even
understand
howtofunctioninreallife
it’s
not
fair how much I suck this is all of my repertoire

and I hate it

Fuck it

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Bleed Me Dry

The way I look at you isn't loving
you is something I do every day
in and day out I sigh hoping that one day we can be
free of the things that keep us from each other
than the fact that i'm so self-conscious, is there really anything keeping us so distant
voices in my head tell me that I'm really messed up
and down my mood goes
full speed at the lightest push
me one more time and i'll tell you exactly where you can go
straight to hell

Seven Billion Billion Billion (Ode to someone)

I float along in life relatively unnoticed some
what like a ghost who floats
and then plummets when my stomach drops
because of all the butterflies that
surge when she looks at me and
smiles
at me
my heart floats incredibly
low because the chance that we would end
up together is relatively small
things always make me happy
like when you say that i’m good
at writing and at being a
friend
zone is probably where i’ll end
up which is better than ending
down from where i started
in hell because the way i feel about you should be sin
attonement is very hard to do because when the priest tells me to hail mary
i end up hailing you
turn your head back to in front of you
talk to your friends who were with you all
along side they laugh
about me perhaps
i shall never know
how you feel about me but i know
that i love you

Monday, March 5, 2012

Can you spare the time?

I'm busy
Let's not delay this any longer
I can't go on like this anymore
Your incessant talking is driving me insane
All you do is talk
All you do is whine
All you do is cry

I just want to talk
Let's not delay this any longer
I can't go on like this anymore
I feel like you are my last hope
I want you to feel my fear
I want you to feel my pain
I want you to see my tears

All I want is a friend

“My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel—it is, above all, to make you see. That—and no more, and it is everything.”

- Joseph Conrad

Friday, March 2, 2012

Colors of My Life

I am sitting alone in a crowded room
While the people talk and laugh around me
The room starts spinning
Slowly at first then fasterandfasterandfaster
until it all melts into
techicol
or
blobs
who
ask
me
if
im
alrightandisayyesbutimreallynot
thingsstarttotake shapeagain
I’mable to differentiate between people and chairs
who are still the bright colors they once melted into

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Excerpt

We learned that the hardest way to fight;
is through no contact at all!

We severed all lines;
look where that got us!

We mended the lines;
with a better and stronger material!