Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolution Revolution

I usually have the most extreme and seemingly unreachable New Year's Resolutions, so this year I decided to have small, easy-to-manage goals. I hope everyone has a safe and healthy New Year!
  1. Lose at least 3 pounds a month
  2. Get into college
  3. Do 2 regret-free things a month
  4. Read my AP Euro book for 30 minutes per weekday
  5. Only eat when I'm hungry
  6. Read for leisure more often
  7. Don't hold in what I really feel
  8. Say yes more

If you decide to drink tonight, from 6pm-6am on New Year's Eve/Day AAA will take you & your car home for FREE, member or not: 800-222-4357. Happy New Year!

Year in Review

Highlights: Prom, summer, feeling infinite, homecoming, Gogol party, being with Dan and Rian, first kiss, hanging with Eddie, 80's party, Zach Braff tweeting me, Comedy Central following me, being happy, and being able to look in the mirror and not feeling sickened by my appearance.

Bad parts: Bitches blocking me for no reason, people hating, depression, self-consciousness, and school.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Trichotillomania

In the summer after 5th grade, I told this girl that I liked her and she just said "oh".
And then I emailed her a bunch saying I was sorry (and looking back what the fuck was I sorry for? I told her I liked her, why the ignoring me and harsh attitude when I saw you at church?) Eventually I got an email back saying "stop. there are so many fish in the sea." Well, there was more to that, but that is a direct quote from it. The email was lost when my old computer crashed, and along with it, an outbox full of apologies from a 5th grade boy whose heart had been broken.

I started pulling my hair out and I had to wear a hat or a dew rag for the rest of the summer because there was this giant bald spot on the top of my head. And now, whenever I get messed up or I'm in a bad state of mind, I check my clothes to see if there is any hair on them.

That, or I pull some hair out.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Cheer

Deck the halls
Hang the stockings
Decorate the tree
But you'll never feel happy

Captured by corporate greed
You want in excessive amounts
It's really quite absurd
I can't get you what you want

You want the world
On a string around your finger
So you can use it at will
You have it all

You should see the family across town
They huddle around the table for warmth
They sip the lukewarm soup they consider a feast
They may not have much; but they have something you don't

LOVE

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Life, etc.

I decided that for all of my little rants, whining, and general musing posts, they will carry the title of Life, etc.
-----------------------

I really wish I had a sibling who I would want to be around, or a sibling that I could tell anything to. A sibling who looks up to me or admires me in any way would be fine. I wish my family liked me. It sucks when they all gang up on me, especially during the holidays.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Birthday

If you were not born; I'd be dead.
And this is something I know for a fact.
Because the both of you have saved me more times than I can count
And it's not the classic run-of-the-mill relationship.
Because we both live in a state of give and take.
Stasis relationships are the way I live my life; or so I'd like to believe.
But I never know because all I can hear between us is the distance.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Bartender

And yet the whiskey keeps pouring; your reality becomes less and less apparent
You start telling me about what you really think of me

And I don't like it; you tell me you hate me;
because of the way my heart is

And you know I can't stand it when you get like this;
but you refuse to stop drinking because it makes the pain go away

But does it really go away?
Or is it just masked?
Because I'm pretty sure that you just hold everything inside;
at least until you are alone

Because I have walked in on you;
crying on the floor screaming for my forgiveness.

All you needed to do is ask.
But it is too late.

I don't care anymore.
I don't think I've ever been this excited for a Wednesday night in my entire life.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Happiness is always a phone call away

My mind is in a totaL state of decay
I can't deal with eVerything that is being thrown at me
I care too much
That's what Is wrong with me.

I can't fuckiNg do anything anymore.
I don't care who knows.
Because if everyone knows, they can't do anything.

Maybe that's why I need to relax.
I need to stop worryinG.

I just need to stop
This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But that’s not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still haven’t.

Friday, December 9, 2011

I don't want to be alone

I always feel like I'm alone. I've felt that way since the 8th grade, and whenever I feel really confident about myself or when I finally think I'm over my depression, loneliness rears its ugly-ass head. I just wish people wanted to hang out with me, not because they feel bad when I get like this, or I didn't mind being alone.

But I do.

And I don't that will in the near future, or ever.

So I guess I'll have to fucking deal.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I can't remember when I first realized the fact
that you and I were to be friends forever
I don't know if it was when I was wiping my armpits with alcohol swabs
Or when you told me I was a good writer
Was it when we were in study hall suppressing our laughter about cars?
I can't remember
I know one thing
I'm glad I have you in my life
You have brought me so much joy and happiness
From the car rides
to the many times you've brought me back to earth
You're great
Don't let this impede your progress
You've come so very far.

It pains me to see you like this.
It hurts me to see you so distraught.
Just remember:
You will end up happy.

Monday, December 5, 2011

What I've been thinking lately

I'm sorry I've kept things from you and you have to find out
by my writing or my slip of the mouth
I know that I'm not a monster, I fear you'll think I'm one

And you're one bright shining light in my life lately
I've become so disillusioned with everything lately
Like that one girl, the one you mentioned today

And I hate how much I adore you and him
I absolutely hate it
I hate that I love you two

Because we wouldn't have worked out
You two are meant to be
I would have ruined God's will

And I understand why you didn't want to tell me
While I had accepted it at that point
I wasn't at peace
---------------------
I can't believe you won't tell me
I don't mind that you have a crush
But it feels like you don't trust me

And I've gotten over you lately
But I felt sick to my stomach
When you told me you didn't want me to interfere
--------------------
I feel like I can't fall in love again
But I know I will
I fall in love with everyone

And I feel my words wear out their meaning
Even though every time I say them
I mean them more and more
--------------------
You think you're so great?
When all you do is brag about how high you get?
Get off your high horse, you're not great at all

And while people praise you for partying
I despise you
You sicken me

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Stormy Clouds

The amount of shit I go through is endless
The feelings I harbor are ever-expanding
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
Or to scream or hug
I don't know how to function
I'm broken and you're the reason
When I turn a deaf ear to the howling winds of enchantment and false hope
And when I turn my eyes from the false light
When I close my mouth
I become one with the world

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's like you're my entire reason for being, for living, for breathing
But at the same time; you're why I fight, why I curse, why I long for death

Why I fly and fall, why I beck and call-- for you

I wish that we can be, but the only thing you'll be, is my one-time love turned mortal enemy

Justified

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind of night that sends all the criminals and thugs in the city scattering for cover in their hideouts
The L train that was located about 20 feet from the small, tiny apartment, ran by on its 9:14 run. It rattled and shook the whole kitchen, sending the single light bulb that barely illuminated the tiny, cramped room swinging in a wild frenzy. The kitchen consisted of a small folding card table, a rusty, noisy refrigerator, and a small breadbox that had only stale crumbs left. Bills, overdue notices, and envelopes that had WARNING- THIS IS YOUR THIRD AND FINAL NOTICE stamped across the front littered the tiny table.
As the light bulb swung about from the vibrations of the L train, the light bounced off of the blade of the butcher knife that was clenched in my hand The light hit the floor of the hallway leading out of the kitchen. I walked out of the tiny kitchen, past where the reflection had landed, to the end of the hallway where the only door in the hallway was. I grabbed and twisted the doorknob and flung the door open. A large shadow was waiting for me. I was shot in the chest and fell to the floor.

The last thing I heard before passing out was "Hello Brother."

He knew. I had been set up.

Monday, November 28, 2011

My eyes are glazed over
as I stare at the same spot on the carpet that I have been
staring at for fifteen minutes
wondering what is happening
you'd think I was dead
if it were not for the barely noticeable movement of my chest
the up and down motion makes me sick
and hurts my head
I wish it would
I wish it all would
STOP
I hate the way
it makes me feel
and you damn well know how it tortures me
but you don't
no one does
no one stops

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Shelf of the broken

And yet again
You interrupt my flow
Now I have to begin
once more while you ignore
me and whore yourself out

When I see those things you do and say
It disgusts me to an intense degree
You might get a guy for a month, or hey
even two, but a long term relationship? yeah, don't get up from your knees

He is a fucking asshole
and yet you degrade
yourself and ruin your soul
and your chances at heaven fade

You constantly try to please
him and yet you aren't happy yourself
I've seen it play out before; your heart he has seized
and he'll break it beyond repair and you'll place it on the shelf
along with your torn up and faded dignity

Alone

Half of the time I feel like I'm being fooled
By people who say they love me
They say they can't hang out
They sign off when I hit enter
They don't reply

Well if I have been fucked over time and time again
I'm not going to take it anymore
Because this has gone on 18 years too long

If you think you're clever or cool
For ditching me or ignoring
Then you need to take your hot-air inflated head and pop it
Because in reality, you're the one who is really alone
Not me

Friday, November 25, 2011

What it boils down to

I wish I were as lucky as you
Feeling love wherever you go
Not needing constant reminder that someone loves you no matter who you are
And feeling the sun splash across your skin whenever you walk outside on a cloudy and raining morning

I wish I could be as honest as you
You need not sugarcoat your words
Or crumple up paper
Or hold down delete
Because you say what you feel

And I wish I weren't sheltered
because for the past 18 years I've been living a fucking lie
And the only way out, I fear
Is to go down without a fight

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving

I have so many people to thank. I feel like I'm at the Oscars or something.

1. Oh my god. So many things. Thank you for being you. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for caring about me enough to initiate change in me. Endless appreciation and love. Being infinite is the highlight of my life.
2. See above. Also, hot twinkies are the Thanksgiving feasts of champions.
3. Thank you for helping me get over myself. You were so fantastic dealing with me and my constant affection. You are a fantastic human being. Keep being that way.
4. Thanks for being my first kiss. It was fantastic.
5. Thank you for dealing with me and my constant complaining. You are basically the best person ever, and you never needed to stress over college. You keep on being fucking amazing.
6. Thanks for dealing with me and my swearing and being stupid. Now go play with your sonic screwdriver. Dumb face.
7. You are so fucking strong. You are an amazing artist, an amazing human being, and the epitome of absolute perfection. You have overcome so much this past summer, and I love you endlessly. We need to get coffee again!
8. Thanks for being a bro in Ceramics. The rides home are always appreciated greatly. Feel better, and remember: WE GOTTA HORSE RIGHT HERE, HIS NAME IS HARRY. lolol
9. You have overcome a lot too! Especially since right after last Thanksgiving. You are amazing and you continue to stun me with your strength and constant kindness in the face of adversity. I love you so much. We need to hang out soon.
10. Although we don't talk anymore (for reasons unknown to me), I want to thank you for helping me learn that people who don't like me are fucking stupid. I don't really care you don't talk to me anymore because I know it is you who is losing out.
11. That night was fucking amazing. I have never felt more like a normal guy then when I was dancing with you. We need to hang out before you leave, I miss you greatly.
12. Thank you for always encouraging me whether you are telling me I am a great writer, or that I am a fantastic person. I was so happy to burn that CD for you. If you ever need anything, just ask!
13. While we are separated by many miles and some stupid thing called the Atlantic Ocean, we still keep in contact. We both bonded a lot last year, and I am still thankful that I met you last year. You cheer me up regardless of what is going on and I love and miss you.
14. Thank you for putting up with me. We have extremely similar musical tastes. You are fantastic, and you need to know that. I love you, you'll get into Belmont, I know it!
15. Thanks for being there for me, even though you don't know you do.
16. You are a fantastic and beautiful human being. Thank you for listening to me and my problems and helping me out. I love you.

To all others: I love you all. Thank you so much for helping me feel the best I have felt in my entire life. Keep on doing what you're doing. If you ever need anything, just contact me. You are all fantastic!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Cloud 9

I had my first kiss tonight. And then multiple others.
My favorite band is reuniting.
I have never felt better about myself.
I had alcohol-free fun tonight.
I danced so hard.
I made new friends.

I fucking love senior year.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Continuum


For the second day in a row, I have looked in the mirror and I haven't been disgusted by my appearance.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Raining Again

One year. Damn, how the time flies. Well, how it flies at some points, and how it limps past at other points. I cannot believe that you haven't killed me by now, with my constant texts, awful jokes, and whining. I can't seem to remember ever meeting a more influential person in my life. You have changed me for the better, and I thank you endlessly. I know that we have had our differences, and arguments, and breaks, but all of those have made me a better person. You bring me back to earth when I'm roaming the heavens aimlessly, looking for some dying star to hang onto that is ready to explode and ready to hurt me. You soothe my worries with your kind eyes and gentle voice. You know exactly what to say when I don't know what is wrong with me. You are an extraordinary person, and in the last year, I have seen you grow so much. I know our time together is limited, and I know that you want to go off to Utah to become the best writer ever (you're halfway there-- you just need to get to Utah), but I wish that you will always carry a piece of me with you as you go on through your life; as I'll be carrying you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The fact that I keep living in spite of my thoughts sometimes
The fact that I whine about things and not doing anything about them
The fact that you care enough to say something is too much for me
The way you ask me if everything is alright when I know it's not makes it better

I know this will get better with time
Time heals all wounds;
With that I'm too familiar
I try too hard sometimes

Getting better isn't easy
I remember when you weren't alright either
But you are a lot better now
So much shit comes your way, but you handle it

And I know I don't know everything
Hell, I don't know half of it
Half of your situation or half of mine
But I know it gets better with time

If only that time was short

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Compliments

I have been complimented a lot recently, especially on my appearance. It makes me so happy and makes me feel so good about myself whenever people say that I look good. It erases the years of being told I was a good-for-nothing fatass. It makes me feel like I'm normal and that people don't look at me like a freak. Thank you so much to all of you.

You all are beautiful.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Machine

The life I live is a lie
Why do I even try?
It amazes me how trivial everything is
I can't remember when or where I realized this

All I remember is how much it hurts

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Parties

I know I'm not the most popular kid, I know I'm socially awkward, and I know I tend to kill jokes, but I would love to go to a high school party just once. I mean, maybe it's because I don't drink, or maybe it's because I'm loud and obnoxious, but I don't get invited. And 9 times out of 10, I'd rather just chill with my friends, but I would still go to a party if offered.

Whatever.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Delete

Often times I want to strike up a conversation
But I don't on the grounds that I'm a fool
I talk too loudly
I talk too much
I'm crude and inarticulate
If I only had the words to say
I adore you in millions of different ways
I would
But I don't
So I won't
And I'll be forever wondering
If I would have changed anything
I doubt I would
I'm only so sane
I can't bring this full circle like I want to
But I can do one thing
Say I'm sorry
And disappear into the night alone

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Infinity

The way that I felt
Dressed in denim
Leaning my head back
As we drove along the long winding roads that we had never seen before
Soaking up the laughs and smiles
Singing along to the songs we all knew
I smiled as I realized
what it felt like to be loved

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lab Notes TWO

One.

Alright, so I can not remember when I have ever been this lucky before in my life. You are my best friend, and I cannot thank you enough for the encouraging words and the metaphorical slaps to the face I need every once in a while (or every day) to bring me back to earth. I have so much fun whenever we hang out. Hell, I even have fun when we are talking on IM. #DR4EVR

Two.

You have stayed up past 4 AM just talking to me, making sure I don't harm myself. That takes an insane amount of patience and love, which I thank you greatly for. Your smile lights up my life, and I believe in you with all of my might. Thank you so much for being there for me, and I hope things go better for you.

Three.

We have been friends for a few years, and I'm glad that we have gotten to hang out a lot over the past year and a half. Homecoming was a lot of fun and I can't thank you enough. Thanks for always being awesome, and for always having your door open when I need it.

Four.

Holy shit. I had no idea you were this strong. Your strength continues to amaze me each and every day. I had no idea of the hardships that you go through. You have gone through so much these past few months, and your cheerful attitude throughout this all amazes me. I love you so much, and we will finally watch some History Channel together one day.

Five.

I know we haven't been as tight lately, and I apologize for being stupid. Thanks for hanging out with me on my birthday when I was being a drama queen. You are awesome, as is your collection of Sonic Screwdrivers (and the amount of money you spend on them).

Six.

That comment made my life, and I'm glad to know you still like my writing. You are still one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. You and he are perfect together, and I wish you many more years to come.

Seven.

My AIM buddy. I love how you message me after I post a depressing status. We still need to get coffee together. I love you, and I know you are getting into the college you want it.

Eight.

It's almost your birthday, and despite your unwillingness to turn 18, believe me, it is a bunch of fun. We will celebrate one way or another. Your photography is awesome as is your ear for music.

Nine.

Remember that time you were the new kid in my English class and you were shy, but now we just rule this fucking school? Yeah me too. I can't wait for musical, we're going to be awesome.

Ten.

"That guy just gave you a sassy look." I am so glad we have become tight over the past few months. You are a fantastic writer and a fantastic friend. I wish you two the best of luck (even though you won't need it).

Freshmen in college.

Come back already. I miss you.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Six word stories (and three seven word stories)

I lost my mind and her affection.

And that's when I hated life.

The truth comes out in pieces.

Together we stand, united we fall.

People say I feel too much.

You remind me daily of feelings past.

I don't care if the world ends.

You don't realize how much that hurts.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Shame on you for shaming me

Not lowering my guard again
What you did was sick and twisted
You completely ruined my zen
I was ready to go and then I missed it

You lured me close and lowered my guard
You led me to believe that I could trust you
You said I could call you and you gave me your card
Then you cut the power and sealed the door too

I called you for help
I couldn't get through
I suffocated and let out one final yelp
And you just laughed and walked out of view

Intact

You'd never know she was in pain
The way she flashed that smile
The way her eyes shone with compassion

She says she's defective
That she isn't anything special
That the other girls are much prettier

Her thoughts get too loud
She says I don't owe her anything
When I owe her the world

The one thing I regret
Is that I can't help
She tells me it's alright and smiles

You'd never know she was in pain

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rays of Light

And when I thought I had been bested
By the devil and his minions
By the shadows that lurked
By the traps that I fell to
You saved me

You grabbed my arm and took me
You expelled the devil from my soul
Your voice frightened the darkness
You brought it to its knees
And you looked into my eyes

And the devil fled
Along with his thoughts
Along with the darkness
Along with his temptations
And you restored the light in me

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ripped to Shreds

My soul has been consumed by darkness
I cannot fight the devil anymore
I have not been very truthful lately
I'm not alright

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Demon

The shadows creep up on my body as I lay paralyzed
I am struggling with this demon inside of me so great that it has fallen many a man
The worst part about the demon is
The demon is me

I feel like the exit has been closed off
And the air is running out
I need to find the light
You are the light

The shadow has almost swallowed me
I stop struggling and I give up
The demon settles into its new host
This is who I am

Monday, October 17, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Trifecta

When I first saw you, I was taken capture by your beauty. Your eyes that shone as brightly as the sun, your infectious smile that lit up a room, a face that belonged to an angel. You have cared about me immensely and put up with my constant affection.

You told me that we could never be. My soul was crushed. My heart was broken. It hurt to look at you. A million different thoughts ran through my head when I read every single word you wrote. I wished I would have never told you those three infamous words-- "I love you".

We reconciled. We talk again. You have your soul mate. I am still looking for mine. I am fine with that. You care for me and I for you. I'll never stop loving you. On days when you feel the worst, remember me, because I'll remember you.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Lighthouse

You are the most extraordinary girl I've ever seen. You have a smile that could quell a storm, you have the face of an angel, you have the hair of the most beautiful queen, you have the body of a supermodel, you have the fingers of the most gentle, loving mother. You are my shining light in this dark storm called life.

Hiatus

I apologize to those of you who saw my last post. I was crying out for attention, and I apologize.

However, I am have contradicting feelings. I had one of the best times of my life last night and a fun time this morning, but I guess the lack of activity is boring me. I wish I had someone I could call up and hang out with them at anytime, but I don't have that.

Lately, I haven't been writing, and I've been using this blog more and more as a soapbox and a place for me to bitch, and that wasn't my intent. I am going to stop posting unless it is a piece of writing or something else I created.

Feel free to contact me though if you want to see what I'm up to.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Callbacks

I got a callback for musical, for the part that I wanted!

I'M SO PUMPED!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Rikke

I met quite possibly the nicest person on the face of the earth this afternoon.

Comments

Who has been leaving the comments on my blog recently? PLEASE tell me!

Just let me know, I will do nothing. I just want to know who the hell you are, you brighten up my day constantly.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the last day I will be 17, and a minor. A lot of my friends can't attend the Walk on Saturday, and I was hoping they could hang out tomorrow, but they have plans. Oh well. I'm meeting up with my homecoming date for the second half of the game, and then going to get something to eat with her. At least that will be cool. Also, I'm freaking out about school, to the point where I display erratic behavior, have scattered thoughts and can't speak in complete sentences.

Also, whoever the mysterious stranger that has been leaving comments on my blog is, thank you so much. Please please please make yourself known to me! I want to talk to you, you're basically the best ever. <3

Monday, September 26, 2011

A new found strength

I've been going through this period of alternating self-confidence and ultra-consciousness. I have no idea what brings on the confidence, but I love it. I'm trying to bring out the feeling more, but I have no idea what brings it on. Maybe I'll try constantly telling myself that I'm confident and see where that gets me.

HERE'S TO THE BEST.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Runaway

You can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes
You miss what you really need

The tree loses its leaves;
it shivers during the winter

The mother loses her children;
she waits for them to call but they never do

The mother loses her child;
she lives the rest of her life with a hole in her soul

If you feel like running away from all your problems;
remember there will be someone who misses you

Friday, September 23, 2011

Homecoming

I don't think I deserve anyone. I hate feeling alone and guilty for a dumb reason that I shouldn't feel guilty about. But I can't shake it. I can't. I'm trying to, but I just can't.

I knew I had been happy too long.
Welcome back depression

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011

Terror

The torture of not knowing how it will turn out
Worrying sick hoping you won't be hurt
I can't let my worry show

You aren't me
Your resolve is stronger
Your courage is greater

You have done many more things
You have succeeded many more times
You have lived so much more than me

I can't leave you standing there
I can't be unsure of if I need to
I can't be sure if I believe in you

Or if I believe in me

Bittersweet

Today I feel like total shit, but the thing that is keeping me going is Bittersweet. It's kinda like last year, but this year, I have more to live for than just that hour every Monday afternoon. I'm excited for this year.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I don't know anymore

I want to write about how I am currently feeling, but I can't get my words down fast enough.
I contradict how I feel constantly.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
I don't know whether to fear or to love.
I don't know if I feel like someone should want me or to feel like no one wants me.
I don't know how to live.
I tell someone that I love them, but after I do, I don't anymore.
I tell someone that I'm okay when I'm not.
I tell someone that everything will turn out alright, but I'm not even sure of my future.
I forget to breathe.
I forget to think.
I forget to remember.
I don't know anymore how I feel, what I know, or who I love.

I just don't know anymore

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Things Lost, but not Forgotten

I lost a dear friend last year. I found out through a Facebook status, and when I confirmed it, I lost it. I retreated into myself. I felt as if all of the good things in the world had suddenly disappeared and would never come back. I cried myself to sleep the next few nights. I wore green, the color I remember him by. I put up a front for everyone else around me, when inside I was extremely sad. I hadn't talked to him recently, and I think I could have helped him find another way to deal with his problems.

When I was at church camp this year, we had a healing service near the waterfall in the woods. I prayed for forgiveness, happiness, healing, patience, and understanding. I prayed for those I had lost in the past years. But for the life of me, I couldn't remember his name. I knew he killed himself, I knew I loved him, and I knew I missed him, but I couldn't remember his name. I racked my brain trying to remember, but I couldn't. I was already crying, but I started crying even harder. I couldn't contain myself. Austin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't remember your name. I love you, and I can't wait to see you in Heaven. I'll be celebrating your life in 9 days again. Happy 18th Birthday, I miss you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Breakdown

I had my first breakdown of the year today. It wasn't huge, but it was definitely the first.

Feelings of despair, depression, loneliness. It's probably just the anniversary coming up soon, but I am feeling awful lately. I can't believe it's almost been a year.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I am so lucky and thankful that I have so many awesome friends, family, and people in my life. I love each and every one of you, and I thank God every day that he has brought you into my life. I am so thankful that he keeps you on this earth with me, because I need each and every one of you more than you can even imagine. I adore all of you, and you all make me want to be a better person. You are all my heroes, and I love you.

Thank you all for being the best friends I could ever have, and God bless you all. I pray that you all are kept safe from any harm, accident, ill-wishes, and I thank God that none of you were harmed by the attacks 10 years ago today.

<3

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Pottermore

I GOT MY POTTERMORE EMAIL

HOLY CRAP

ASFJAAAHDKS'FSD;JKG;LAS'GFRUSERHOG

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I thought I had gotten rid of these feelings, why are they returning?
I need to get some air, need to get out of here.
My demeanor is calm, but my stomach is churning.
I can't get close to anyone, it is a fear.

I can't get out of town soon enough
I collapse where I stand
Every friendly action I rebuff
I can't deal with you anymore, you're designer, and I'm secondhand

Tomorrow was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of our lives
Why does it feel like it's the last
I thought I would be the one to wield the knives
But it looks like tomorrow you'll be flying the flag at half-mast

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

80. Trapped

There is a recently widowed woman behind a black veil at her husband's funeral. Her face is pale and looks youthful, although it has evidence of wrinkles on it. She is crying silently, trying not to attract the attention of one of her family members. They always make a fuss over her and they would do so even more because of the circumstances. She holds back a sob as the priest starts to talk about how he died. He left the office at 5:30 PM on the dot, as usual. He traveled down the road for a distance, as usual. He slowed to a stop at the Washington St. and Jefferson Ave. intersection as the traffic light was blinking red and then stayed red, as usual. He turned on the radio to the news at 5:37 exactly, as usual. He was then shot in the head by a sniper at 5:37 and 14 seconds. Two grenades were then thrown at his car and it exploded. His body was never found.

The police don't know what happened. It was probably a random act of violence. They closed the case as there was no one around to see what happened, as usual.

She hiccuped as the priest started to end the service. He ended with some talk about how he died doing what he did everyday, and how he was an honest Christian man, who "never harmed anyone, not even a fly". She scoffed and was immediately shushed, even though she was the grieving widow, no one thought it would be her.

She rose and walked curtly out the door with her arms crossed as soon as the service ended. She knew what type of monster he really was, and she was going to show the world that his death was no accident.

She was going to find her husband and make him pay for crossing her. She had 48 hours to find him before he left the country, and she intended to use every second of it.

Senior Survey Answers

1. Nickname

A: My friends call me Tim or Timmy, but most adults know me by "dat hot piece of ass".



2. Student Email

A: qv12.franzent@prettygurlswag.edu



3. Have you attended any other high schools? If yes, where and for which grades?

A: Grades 9-11 Alcatraz Juvenile Detention Center



4. With whom do you live? (For example, both parents? father and stepmother? mother only-father deceased? or another arrangement. Please describe.)

A: Both of my parents are deceased. They were murdered by a man when I was a baby. I have a scar because he tried to murder me, but my mother sacrificed herself and somehow her love saved me and weakened him.



5. Which major or majors are you most interested in?

A: Wizardry



6. What is the one thing you most want a college admission office to know about you?

A: Every month, during a full moon, I transform into a werewolf. You should probably lock me up or give me a Wolfsbane potion.



7. What events, circumstances or experiences have had a major impact on your way of thinking either positively or negatively? (For example, moving, cultural differences, accident, family circumstances, death, special opportunities, etc.)

A: Well, I am white, but my adoptive parents are Antarctican, which makes for some awkward conversations with my adoptive grandparents at Thanksgiving, but their incessant squawking and somewhat racist comments have made me a stronger person.



8. Describe 3 of your positive qualities. Please give examples of how you demonstrate them.

A: I am very sassy. For an example, read my answers. I am also single and ready to mingle, and able to enjoy a nice pair of slacks no matter the occasion (the last two are self-explanatory).





9. What are your most noticeable shortcomings?

A: Some say I love too much.





10. What factors are most important to you when choosing a college?

A: How hot the girls are, how crazy the parties get, and if there are any girls that are into fat guys.





11. In 2-3 sentences, how would you best describe yourself to a stranger?

A: (Okay Franz, play this one cool, you have this stranger hanging onto your each and every word) Hi I love you. (Dammit.)





12: What do you like to do for fun? (Hobbies, other special interests, etc.)

A: Beat up orphans and take their pocket change, help the elderly cross the street, and start riots.





13. Please list the community service you have done since 9th grade (the place, the number of hours (your best guess) and the name of the person overseeing your service):

A: No





14. 9th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 9th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)



A: I was in juvie, but I stabbed a guy with a shiv.





15. 10th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 10th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)

A: I pulled myself together and started to work out everyday, but soon enough, I realized heavy breathing isn't exercise.





16. 11th Grade: Give a detailed description of your involvement in activities both in and out of school during 11th grade. (For example, religious groups, social service groups, scouting, clubs, sports, dance, etc.)



A: I joined a prison gang/cult and gave away all of my earthly possessions to the leader. I ultimately found out that the gang was actually running drugs across the Portugal-Spain border at night, and I was released early cuz I squealed.





17: 12th Grade: What do you plan on being involved with senior year?

A: Hopefully women.





18. What did you do this past summer?

A: I starred in an autobiographical movie. It was very popular and is number one in terms of money earned for box-office debuts.





19. What honors, awards or recognition have you received in high school? Of which are you most proud?

A: I uncovered a drug run, and killed the Dark Lord. What more do you want?



20. Please give an example of a failure, disappointment or criticism and how you reacted to it.

A: I'm currently coping with the last 17 years and 11 months, I need more time to evaluate my reaction.





21. What is an academic experience you had that was very important or meaningful to you?

A: I once saved a cable car of children and my redheaded girlfriend at the same time. I had to execute the timing perfectly, or else both would die. I guess that's a real world application.





22. What type of student are you? In what academic setting do you do well?

A: An attractive one. I do well in an academic setting where I can sing "I'll make a Man Out of You" as loudly as possibly.





23. How would one of your friends describe you? Tell us why. (Go ahead and ask them)

A: I don't have any friends





24. Is your academic record an accurate reflection of your ability or is there anything on your transcript that needs to be explained?

A: Unless it doesn't say I undercovered a drug run, then no.





25. List any colleges your family members have attended, and who attended each one:

A: My entire family has attended CCA (Community College of Antarctica)





26. What are some potential career options you have considered?

A: Male model, steam train, King Henry VIII, King of Space.





27. List any jobs you have held, the length of time you worked each, and a brief description of your work

A: Emperor of Spain (1798-Present)





28. Do you want to participate in a Division I, II, or III sport in college? If yes, Which one(s)?



A: I want to participate in Division I Quidditch and Tiddlywinks.

No complaints

I thought I would have more to complain about. But I don't. It's odd, school usually makes me depressed beyond belief, but I'm doing fine. I'm probably jinxing myself, but I don't care. I'll fight through it. A lot has happened in the past few days. Friendships renewed, lies told through my teeth so I will appear like a 17 year old boy, plans for after high school, nightmares and daydreams, records found, and smiles shining throughout the darkness.

I don't know what type of person view me as and I've always wanted to know what people have thought. When people tell me, I feel as though it's filter so my feelings won't be hurt. I hate not saying what they mean or feel, it creates misconceptions and false thoughts. I know people read this blog, even when I don't post anything. I had 24 unique pageviews this weekend within a 24-hour period, and that made me smile. I like the fact that people want to keep reading what I write, no matter what it is. I wish I knew who these people are, but I don't mind knowing that somewhere, someone cares enough about me to regularly check this.

People make me smile and make me mad, they make me laugh and make me weep.

I don't know who I will meet, but I don't mind, as long as there is someone out there keeping an eye on me.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

CPR

A year ago, I was head over heels in love with a girl that I had loved since the first day I set eyes on her. I was captured by her beauty, by her radiance, by her laugh. I was entranced. I was captivated. But she is no more. I have no feelings for her. I no longer need her approval. I no longer need her to laugh at my jokes, to respond to my messages, to say hi to me. I have let go of what I could not get, and my life is better. I realize without her, I have grown immensely. I have realized I don't need her to have any sense of fulfillment. I don't have to almost throw up at homecoming because I see her dancing with someone else. I have won the fight. I have grown leaps and bounds. I have seized the day. I do not long for her. I have resuscitated myself.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

First Day



First period was alright. I have Foods 1, I have some friends in there, but the teacher treats us like fucking children and it's kinda annoying.

Second period. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR. It's history, WHICH I FUCKING LOVE, Mr. Klein, WHO IS A FUCKING BOSS, Rian Plummer, whom I love to death, and also FUCKING HISTORY AWW YEA.

Third period. Fucking two bitchdickassbuttasspoops. Hate them. Otherwise, the class is all of my friends from the past 12 years (except for a few). Mrs. Woods is hilarious, and I can tell I'm going to learn a lot.

Fourth period. I HATE FRESHMAN. TOO MANY FRESHMAN. 33 KIDS IN A ROOM THAT SEATS 27 IS NOT OKAY. GO BACK TO MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Fifth period. Ceramics with Will, Kelci and some chill bros. Also Alie<3. Gonna be boss.

Sixth period. OH MY GOD SO I LOVE MISS BEBOUT (BEEBZ), EDDIE, JIMJAM, AND PEOPLE IN THERE. GONNA BE A GOOD CLASS.


I cannot wait for this year to get rolling.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I'm a senior starting tomorrow. I turn 18 in 33 days. I will start blogging more because school makes me depressed, and being depressed gives me things to write about.

If you and I are both here at the end of the year, I'll take you out for ice cream.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Keith

Father Keith, the first time I met you, you amazed me. The way that you sang in chapel, it seemed like you tried to outdo the 30+ campers and staff. You always had a cheerful attitude, and when you didn't like something, you said it in the nicest way possible. Your stories about traveling the world, and cross-dressing in the Berlin Opera were fascinating and hilarious. You had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known, and I miss you dearly. It's been one year to this day since I cried myself to sleep over your death. I miss you everyday and you were sorely missed at Peterkin this year. I can't wait to see you in heaven and to hear your glorious voice once again.

R.I.P. Keith

Monday, August 8, 2011

Flowers

Friendships are a strange thing
They are much like flowers in that you plant the seeds, weed out the bad ones, and when they are fully grown, you can enjoy them, their beauty, and their fragrance.

I got a flower for completing a week of volunteer Church Camp counselor work, and it meant so much to me, but once I got home, I tossed it, along with my duffel bag, in my kitchen. My dad put it outside after a few days, and it still rests there.

I needed to clear my head and I felt a cool breeze coming in through the dining room window, so I stepped outside for a moment. I noticed the flower on the patio table. I sat down, and twirled the stem in my hands. Some of the branches were brown and fading, and the flowers smelled sickly sweet. I moved up to the middle of the branch, where there were still some yellow flowers left. I moved the petals between my fingertips. These petals were somewhat sturdy, but lacked the beauty of the flower when I got it. There was no smell to it, none at all. No variety, no luster, nothing.

I moved up to the top flower, which, while fading, was a lesser shade of the brilliant yellow when I got it. The stem was green, yet I couldn't smell a thing. It was as if the flower was just for looks, and not for any real purpose. This saddened me deeply, and I gently put the flower back on the table.

I stretched and yawned as a cool breeze rolled across my stomach. It was past my bedtime, but I didn't care. I was probably going to have another one of my abandonment nightmares tonight, and I wanted to stave that off for as long as possible. My mind wandered back to the flower, and I realized something.

Friendships are like flowers. You have a whole bunch at first and they all smell sweet and look beautiful, but as time goes on, they fade and crumble, or turn sickly sweet. Some have no meaning whatsoever, and some just disappoint. Friendships are all like that too.

All friendships, no matter how strong at their peak, will crumble and turn sickly sweet.
I screw up every friendship I have, sooner or later.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Affection

Seeing one kiss another
Can send a million different emotions through your soul
When it happens, there are a million reactions you can feel
Jealousy, lust, hate, rage

Seeing one kiss another
Can send you spinning through your consciousness
Time seems to pause
You can feel happy, you can feel proud, you can feel at ease, you can feel calm

Seeing one that you love kiss another
Can usually turn out for the worst
However, it can turn out for the best
Knowing that someone is taking care of the thing you cherish most

Monday, August 1, 2011

Michelle's Prayer

God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit, three in one
Lead us to your kingdom ever
Love us all
Deceive us never
Take us all to your heavenly throne
Keep us good your souls you own
Keep us way from all temptations
Take us not on the road of damnation


Help us keep united and free
Take us lord to dwell with thee

Love you lord
Hate all evil
Keep us all way from the devil
Goodness is our heart’s only home
Teach them to stay there not to roam
When our hearts begin to stray
Bring them back to thy holy way

Lord our god,
Lord our father,
Teach us all to love each other

God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit, three in one
Teach us all to love, amen.

--Michelle Tomasky

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Growing Up and Letting Go

Harry Potter recently ended. I grew up with Harry. I laughed with Harry. I cried with Harry. I reveled in the defeat of his enemies with him. I dreamed of Hogwarts, a castle where, like Harry, I could escape the harsh reality of my home life, and have adventures all while knowing that there was a comfy bed and warm meal waiting for me when I got off the Hogwarts Express.

I cried. I'll admit I cried like a baby. Silently, of course, as there were attractive women and men that I knew near me. I am the same age as Harry was when he defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I have not done nearly as much as he had by my age.


On a slightly unrelated subject, I have come to another end of an era in my life. Let me give you some back story.

I sat down in class and when I saw her for the first time, my heart swooned. Sitting there was exactly what I needed to get over this girl I loved for two and a half years. While I was reveling in her glory, I had no idea I had just stumbled upon a fantastic friend, someone I could confine my innermost secrets to, whether she wanted to hear them or not. I fell hard for her.

She once told me that she wished she could return my affections, that I would be the perfect man, but that she would be unable to be with me because being with me would not be a risk, and she had learned to settle.

When I first read that, I thought that it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about me. I reread it a couple of times, and thought that it was slightly insulting.

I have a correction. I would NEVER be the perfect man. Seeing how happy you are when you are in his presence, the playful glances you two give, the pure joy you get from standing in the rain with him and with me tagging along as a third wheel, proves that I can never be what he is. He is the perfect man for you, and as I realized this while microwaving a sandwich with cheddar in the middle because I was too lazy to make a real grilled cheese, I felt complete and total serenity, knowing that you will have someone to love you and take care of you for the rest of your life.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Survey

Appearance
I have/had piercings besides the ears.
I want piercings besides the ears.
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have/want a tattoo.
I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/had braces.
I have more than two piercings.
Embarrassment
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose
I’ve had my pants rip in public.
I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt.

Health
I’ve gotten stitches.
I’ve broken or dislocated a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had chicken pox.

Travel
I’ve been to Florida.
I’ve driven/ridden over 200 kilometers in one day.
I’ve been on a plane.

I’ve been to Colombia
I’ve been to Cuba.
I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
I’ve been to Ottawa
I’ve been to the Caribbean.
I’ve been to Europe

Experiences
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve slapped someone.

I’ve kissed someone underwater.
I’ve chugged something.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a musical.
I’ve auditioned for something.
I’ve been on stage.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.

I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
I’ve pranked someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.


Honesty / Crime
I’ve been threatened to be arrested.
I’ve broken a law.
I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.

I’ve sneaked out.
I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.

I’ve seen someone/something die.
Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
I have attempted suicide.
I’ve thought about suicide before.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself.


Materialism
I own over 5 rap CD’s.
I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
I collected comic books.
I own a lot of makeup.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I own something from The Gap.
I own something I got on E-Bay.
I own something from Abercrombie.
I thrive on compliments.
I thrive on hate.

Random
I can sing low key.
I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news occasionally or always.
I don’t like to kill bugs.
I sing in the shower.
I’m a morning person.
I’m a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I care about grammar.

I love spam.
I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
I would wear pajamas to school.

I like Martha Stewart.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can’t sleep if there’s a spider in the room.
I’m really ticklish.
I like white chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I’m good at remembering names.
I’m good at remembering dates.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.


People
..used to ask if I was anorexic/bulimic.
..called me fat.
..say I’m skinny.
..have said I’m ugly.
..have said I’m pretty.
..have spread rumors about me.
..force me to eat.
..say I eat too much.
..say I eat too little.

Eating
I’ve lost weight.
I’ve gained weight.

I’m at my thinnest.
I’m at my biggest.
I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
I’ve lost weight, but gained it back.
My weight affects my mood. A lot.
I diet.

I’m vegan/vegetarian.
I exercise.
I’ve fainted from exhaustion.


Family
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve planned to run away from home before.

I’ve run away from home.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want kids.
I’ve had kids.
I’ve lost a child.
Relationships
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’m a swinger.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I have/had a friend with benefits.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.

I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Someone has/had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
I’m a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times
I regularly drink.
I can’t swallow pills
I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression at some point.
I have/had anxiety problems.
I shut others out when I’m upset.

I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset.
I have taken/take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day before.
I’ve plotted revenge.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

When the Fool becomes a King

The injuries I've sustained
The friends I've found out were feigned
The words I wish I restrained
The experience of life that I've gained

The truth comes out only once in a while
You have to know who is spreading revile

The total bliss
When you're exploring the infinite abyss
You no longer feel numb
When you live without the rule of thumb

When the crown is placed upon your head
The heart that once laid still, dead
Becomes alive
With the knowledge that you can succeed and thrive
We took a drive today
We got lost
We laughed
Sitting there
Taking the scenic route
Listening to the melodious sounds of your car stereo

Random Thoughts

So I am eating about 800-1000 less calories a day than I did a week ago. First step on a path to happiness. Hopefully.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Summer of 1969

I just need one more hit, John thought as he held the bong in his hands. He looked around the dark, cramped basement, and saw Marco, who he thought was his friend, but who would later go on to become the hit-man who would eventually take out John. John would try to leave the gang to create a new life for himself. Marco was laughing like a college freshman who just scored his first case of beer. He was making a giant ass out of himself. John then looked at his girlfriend, Jennifer, who would go on to be a stripper who would have an affair with a mob boss, only to be struck down by a bullet to keep her quiet. John looked back down at the bong and took a hit. As he stumbled backwards in a stupor, he became extremely lightheaded and immediately passed out. The last conscious thought that passed through his mind was I'm so glad I passed up Woodstock for this.

John awoke several hours later. He stood up and his head immediately starting spinning. He stumbled to a couch that had obviously been used for sex not that long ago. He threw the bra and panties across the room and flopped down. He rubbed his temple to soothe the splitting pain in his head, and tried to remember why he woke up on a floor that reeked of piss and body odor. He bit by bit pieced the previous evening together.

Well, first I stopped by at that bar near Middlebury. Thank God they don't check IDs. Okay, that was at about 6:30. John glanced at his watch. His wrist wouldn't stay still and he thought he was having a bad reaction to something he took last night. After about a minute, he realized he was moving his arm back and forth. He snorted out loud when he realized this and almost immediately, some naked guy who must have been in his 30's sat up straight and shouted, "GODDAMMIT BECKY, I SAID TO MAKE SURE THE CARPET WAS PAISLEY GREEN. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY FOREST GREEN." and fell back asleep. At this point, John was biting his tongue and was crying silently from laughter. He calmed himself down and sat there in a drug-induced haze. He remembered eventually to check what time it was and saw it was 9:30 in the morning. Alright, I have 15 hours to fill. I probably spent a good 7 or 8 here, so I'll cut that down to 7 hours that I don't know where I was.

Hair matted, smelling slightly of piss, but mainly of marijuana, John made his way to the stairs, and climbed up on all fours. He reached the kitchen at the top, and dug in his pocket for some money. He left 14 dollars and 37 cents on the table. I sure hope this is Marco's place, he thought. He slipped on his shoes and left the door, slightly more sober than when he had woken up. John walked past the houses cramped next to each other in this slightly lower-middle class neighborhood and to the bus stop. A bus rolled to a stop before John, and although it wasn't a city bus, he got on away. At least I don't have to pay my fare., he thought as he sat down to some earthy-smelling girl. She didn't look that much older than he. He attempted to strike up a conversation, but the only thing that emitted from his mouth was a snore.

Why I Write Part 2

Part 1: http://adailyexperimentcalledlife.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-i-write.html

I write to keep my hopes alive. I write so that one day, no matter what I look like, not matter how big of a mess I am, no matter how badly I fucked up my life, someone will see past that and love me. I write so that I won't go back to drinking alone. I write so that I won't see people having fun and wishing I was dead. I write so that when I die, there will be some evidence that I lived, because God knows I can never get an award.

I write to live, and I live to write.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Family Man

The paramedics and the firefighters peel through the charred wreckage
The driver died on impact, the coroner concludes, under no influence except his own
He drove down the wrong side of the highway
The police contact his next of kin
His wife is called to the station to identify the body
She holds back the tears as she nods yes
And then the dam collapses
She starts to sob
The man consoles her
She tells him they have four young children at home
He says that he will drive her home if she needs
She nods and says yes
She needs help explaining what happened to her children

It's past 5 o'clock
His colleagues have all left for the day
His hands are resting on the top of his head
He is looking at a family portrait, tears streaming down his face
He is saying a silent prayer to God, something he hadn't believed in until now
He wants his children to be alright, he wants his wife to move on
Because he's been dead inside for quite sometime now
He felt nothing when his child was born, and he looked into the sobbing infant's eyes, and that is when he knew
He knew that he couldn't get better
He finishes his prayers
He stands up, puts on his coat, and grabs his briefcase
He says good night to the security guard
He walks to the parking garage
He walks to his car
He starts to silently sob
His hands start shaking
He drops his keys
He picks them up, and unlocks the car
He throws his briefcase into the backseat haphazardly
He undoes his tie and takes off his coat
He puts the keys into the ignition
He checks the mirrors, buckles his seat, and leaves the garage
He glances at the rear view mirror
He knows there is no going back
He's doing this for them

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Home

If home is where the heart is, I’m never leaving.
I’ve been here so long, but it seems that I’ve just arrived.
I hope you aren’t objecting to my stay.
A secluded spot in the mountains, where I am all alone;
attaining nirvana.

Today was a day like any other;
alone in my pity.
Today was a day unlike any other;
I found where my heart was kept.

In a chest like that of Davy Jones’;
You have kept it, safely, caring for it tenderly.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Distance

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; if only they knew how true it is
The chats, the talks, the constant reminder that someone cares

I think my heart is too tired to care; I think my brain is too tired to think
I just want to let you know, I miss the creative way you think

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Forms of Silence

This is what you want
All communication severed
Can’t fucking stand me
Well bitch I can’t even stomach you

My heart’s been stomped on, chewed up, spit out
You know the pain I’m in, worse than fucking gout
Always there, never letting up
When there’s a toast to my suffering, you raise your cup

You make me sick
You’re a fucking prick
And I can’t take your high-pitched whine
Cuz without you I’m doing just fine

Don’t you dare try to oppress me
Stop trying to take all my fucking land- Cheyenne
If you wanna go, bitch watch out, its Custer’s Last Stand
If I go down, I’m bringing you down with me

No and I’m not feeling bad
And no you’re not making me mad
I’m just astounded by your stupidity
I need to make sure this isn’t a dream- total lucidity
Goddamn you’re greedy, total cupidity
Want all of my cash money


Bitch you want to fight?
Get at me, I got the might
To beat you down and take you out
No point- you’re just going to stomp and pout

All I do is win
If you want me to lose, make going HAM a sin
Get off your ass and do somethin
Stop wishing on that goddamn airplane
Or else I’ll shoot it down with no hands

Just try and stop me now bitch
Lyrical madness ensnares your mind
Good luck with your life
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Things I have complete and total control over

1. That the dishes are dirty after going through the dishwasher. I'm super sorry about that, because it's definitely me scrunched up in there doing the dishes. Maybe it's time to buy a new one?
2. That I sleep in the nude sometimes. Okay, I mean, this is pretty graphic, and I'm sure most of you are probably throwing up, but for those fantastic/fucking weird people who stuck it through, I should definitely wear clothes when it's 80 degrees in my room with two fans going on max, and the window open. Yeah, lemme text the Heat Miser and ask him to tone it down.
3. That it's hot out. Again, I'll text the Heat Miser. Maybe until he responds, we can get some central air or something.
4. That I'm fat and I eat a lot. Okay, half-sincere apology, because being fat isn't cool, I know, but dammit, it's kinda hard to go to the gym when you're paranoid about what people think about you (dammit vanity). P.S. I have a large stomach, so I'm hungry. A lot.
5. That I don't have my license. I'll get either you or mom to take me driving on the highway or somewhere to practice parallel parking. Oh wait. You guys won't take me.
6. That no place will hire me. Because the economy isn't in the shitter, and places hire fat male teenagers.
7. That I get moody. Fuck off. (See what I did there?)
8. That I can't be trusted. Sorry. I have to go snort crack lines off of some slut's ass. Also shoot up heroin. And drink. And fuck shit up. And cause trouble for the local establishment.

Yup.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Twenty Three Freestyle Link

So I turned the Twenty-Three Freestyle Lyrics into a reality. Here is my first attempt at rapping of any sort, and freestyle rapping specifically. The lyrics have been tweaked, and this is a work in progress.

Lyrics:

Alright, here it goes--

My name’s Tim and here’s my story:
It’s not one of valor, nor one of glory
Diagnosed with depression at the age of nine
Ever since I’ve been wearing a mask that says “I’m fine”

But I’m not,
life is a bitch
And I can never seem to find my niche
I’m always floating around from place to place
Waiting until someone saves me with loving grace

I wanted to hang myself at the age of eleven
I couldn’t do it, I wanted heaven
Fast-forward six years and I can’t shake the habit
I can’t explain how bad it hurts, like someone stabbed it
But there is one thing that is for sure, listen up now
I haven’t experienced life yet, I’m not taking my final bow

I got so much to live for
Here’s some things that I need to do
I haven’t gone on a European tour
And I haven’t been kissed
If I end it all now
I’ll never know what I missed.

Seems like I’m going upstream without a paddle
I’m pretty heavy, and not that agile
And underneath this calm exterior
There’s a soul that’s hurt and feels inferior

And it’s not just me
My friends have thought of it too
One went as far as to kill himself
And I can’t put his memory on the shelf

And this is all I have to say
Remember you can talk to someone round the clock, every day
There is no way to get help if you stay immobilized
People love you, let’s get that message mobilized.

Thank you for listening
To what I have to say
You can call a hotline if you want to die
But trust me, it gets better, so just sigh

Friday, June 17, 2011

Sunspots

Her eyes are like the sun
Always warming, sometimes harsh
They smile upon me always
As we stare into each other's eyes every morning, I see the promise of a brand new day
Every night, as we doze off to sleep, I see the sun set
I reflect upon the joy she has brought me, as I fall asleep in an everloving gaze

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hurricane

Sometimes I just want to jump from this balcony
Just to see if I feel anything
Because feeling nothing hurts a lot more than pain
Dying could only save me from this pain

When you tell me you're sorry, I ask what for
It's all my fault
When I'm in a drunken stupor because of all this alcohol I'm consuming,
I tell you I'm doing great
Because you told me everything is going great
And I can't ruin that for you
I am a selfish bastard

I can't fly away
My wings have been clipped
The anguish I'm feeling inside is worse than any gunshot or stab wound

I see happy people
I ask "Why not me?"
I see people genuinely enjoying life
I ask "Why not me?"
I see people dying
I ask "Why not me?"

Call it what you'd like
Survivor's guilt, self-pity, or the feelings of an unworthy sub-human piece of shit
I call it life

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I feel the sand in between the toes
I am greeted with the water that sustained my ancestors
I inhale deeply- salty air fills my lungs
I am home

On the road

Looks like I'm going to have to post this from an HTML standpoint...

I am indeed on the road, typing this from my father's iPad. The GPS says only an hour and 43 minutes until Arlington, VA. Let's hope so.

I will post sparingly as I will be on the beach, talking to girls, and many other uncharacteristic things. (if only)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why I Write

I've always been living in the shadow of my family, whether it be my mom, dad, brother, or even younger sister. The only firsts in our family that I have done is to be the first to be diagnosed with ADHD and severe depression in the 3rd grade, the first to fail math, the first to fail science, and the first to be committed.

I come from a jumbled up family. Both sides of my parent's families have struggled with addiction, and as a result, I have too. Both sides have had depression, as have I. Both sides are extremely intelligent, creative, and booksmart. I can't be diagnosed with any of those things, so I can't really speak on them being passed down to me.

I am not strong. I am not athletic. I am not skinny. I am not hardworking. I am clingy. I am extremely open with my feelings. I am a hopeless romantic. I am an idealist. I wish my life was directed by John Hughes, so I could get the girl in the end, no matter how socially awkward I am.

I can't get into a prestigious Liberal Arts college with a $45,000 scholarship for academics. I can't pay for college by myself, finishing a four-year degree in three years, all while working two part-time jobs, and an internship. I can't run a PR firm from my home while taking care of a newborn son. I can't fight addiction. I can't have fun without trying. I need to take my medicine in order for people to like me.

This is why I write. To express how I want life to be. To convey my feelings without getting tongue-tied. To prove to my family that I am as good as they are, if not better.

I write to live, and I live to write.

Unknown strength

Everyday is a struggle
I'm jumping these hurdles life throws at me
But I'll never know why
God keeps on taunting, he seems incredibly cruel

But I know he's not
He gave me friends
He gave me life
He gave me laughter

A sandwich on a crappy day
An "I love you" when I just want to throw it all away
I can't believe how incredibly blessed
Yet I can't seem to shake it

No matter how hard I want to cut
Overdose, or drink away my pain
I can't because these people care
These people I can call my friends

Twenty Three Freestyle

Alright, here it goes:

Name’s Tim and here’s my story:
It’s not one of valor, nor one of glory
Diagnosed with depression at the age of nine
Ever since I’ve been wearing a mask that says “I’m fine”

But I’m not, life is a bitch
And I can never find my niche
I’m always floating around from place to place
Waiting until someone saves me with loving grace

I wanted to hang myself at the age of eleven
I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I wanted heaven
No matter how bad the pain is now
But I haven’t experienced life yet, I’m not taking my final bow

I got so much to live for
I haven’t been to Europe
I haven’t been kissed
If I end it all now, I’ll never know what I missed.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

A love poem for no one

Galaxies, cosmos, suns, moons, and stars
Nothing can separate us
My love for you burns brightly
Much like a sun

The ever widening sky
The vast grasslands that go on forever
The bottomless oceans
The skyscraping mountains
My love for you dwarfs all

The harshest winters
The hottest summers
The torrential downpours
I will endure all for you

The sinkhole that swallows me whole
I will keep digging, fighting, dreaming
To hold you

Think Locally, Fuck Globally

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Silence is Deafening

The things I would go back and change
The mistakes I have made, the things that have been said
I am my own person, I don’t need anyone to take care of me
Just someone to lean on in times of need

Why then, am I never standing straight?
I am always leaning, slouching, veering off the path
I try my hardest, yet it is never enough
I test your patience

I put on a mask
I hide my regret
Of what I have done
I hide my fear

This is it
I am letting go
I can’t do this anymore
The silence is deafening

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Revolting

The kids on the street are growing wild and crazy

Throwing bricks in store windows and taking what they see

The media and priests proclaim:

The youth is revolting


The teachers try to reason with the kids

They are taken hostage

They too realize

The youth is revolting


Their parents are powerless

They have enabled the kids for their entire lives

Teaching them methods of cruelty and hatred

The youth is revolting


The psychologists and therapists label the revolt

As the kids trying to find themselves

Soon, they too realize that

The youth are revolting

Burning

On the days I feel like quitting life the most
Feel broken down and hopeless
I need to escape from the coast
I have to run away from this mess

Run away from the pressures of the world
I want to be with you
I put my feelings out unfurled
I want to feel brand new

Your reaction is what I should have expected
All I get is an awkward response
Your heart to love I selected
Now I have to act with nonchalance

On the days I don’t want to make the hairpin bends
Something keeps me turning
The support of my friends
Keeping the fire in my heart burning