It's like you're my entire reason for being, for living, for breathing
But at the same time; you're why I fight, why I curse, why I long for death

Why I fly and fall, why I beck and call-- for you

I wish that we can be, but the only thing you'll be, is my one-time love turned mortal enemy

Justified

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind of night that sends all the criminals and thugs in the city scattering for cover in their hideouts
The L train that was located about 20 feet from the small, tiny apartment, ran by on its 9:14 run. It rattled and shook the whole kitchen, sending the single light bulb that barely illuminated the tiny, cramped room swinging in a wild frenzy. The kitchen consisted of a small folding card table, a rusty, noisy refrigerator, and a small breadbox that had only stale crumbs left. Bills, overdue notices, and envelopes that had WARNING- THIS IS YOUR THIRD AND FINAL NOTICE stamped across the front littered the tiny table.
As the light bulb swung about from the vibrations of the L train, the light bounced off of the blade of the butcher knife that was clenched in my hand The light hit the floor of the hallway leading out of the kitchen. I walked out of the tiny kitchen, past where the reflection had landed, to the end of the hallway where the only door in the hallway was. I grabbed and twisted the doorknob and flung the door open. A large shadow was waiting for me. I was shot in the chest and fell to the floor.

The last thing I heard before passing out was "Hello Brother."

He knew. I had been set up.

My eyes are glazed over
as I stare at the same spot on the carpet that I have been
staring at for fifteen minutes
wondering what is happening
you'd think I was dead
if it were not for the barely noticeable movement of my chest
the up and down motion makes me sick
and hurts my head
I wish it would
I wish it all would
STOP
I hate the way
it makes me feel
and you damn well know how it tortures me
but you don't
no one does
no one stops

Shelf of the broken

And yet again
You interrupt my flow
Now I have to begin
once more while you ignore
me and whore yourself out

When I see those things you do and say
It disgusts me to an intense degree
You might get a guy for a month, or hey
even two, but a long term relationship? yeah, don't get up from your knees

He is a fucking asshole
and yet you degrade
yourself and ruin your soul
and your chances at heaven fade

You constantly try to please
him and yet you aren't happy yourself
I've seen it play out before; your heart he has seized
and he'll break it beyond repair and you'll place it on the shelf
along with your torn up and faded dignity

Alone

Half of the time I feel like I'm being fooled
By people who say they love me
They say they can't hang out
They sign off when I hit enter
They don't reply

Well if I have been fucked over time and time again
I'm not going to take it anymore
Because this has gone on 18 years too long

If you think you're clever or cool
For ditching me or ignoring
Then you need to take your hot-air inflated head and pop it
Because in reality, you're the one who is really alone
Not me

What it boils down to

I wish I were as lucky as you
Feeling love wherever you go
Not needing constant reminder that someone loves you no matter who you are
And feeling the sun splash across your skin whenever you walk outside on a cloudy and raining morning

I wish I could be as honest as you
You need not sugarcoat your words
Or crumple up paper
Or hold down delete
Because you say what you feel

And I wish I weren't sheltered
because for the past 18 years I've been living a fucking lie
And the only way out, I fear
Is to go down without a fight

Thanksgiving

I have so many people to thank. I feel like I'm at the Oscars or something.

1. Oh my god. So many things. Thank you for being you. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for caring about me enough to initiate change in me. Endless appreciation and love. Being infinite is the highlight of my life.
2. See above. Also, hot twinkies are the Thanksgiving feasts of champions.
3. Thank you for helping me get over myself. You were so fantastic dealing with me and my constant affection. You are a fantastic human being. Keep being that way.
4. Thanks for being my first kiss. It was fantastic.
5. Thank you for dealing with me and my constant complaining. You are basically the best person ever, and you never needed to stress over college. You keep on being fucking amazing.
6. Thanks for dealing with me and my swearing and being stupid. Now go play with your sonic screwdriver. Dumb face.
7. You are so fucking strong. You are an amazing artist, an amazing human being, and the epitome of absolute perfection. You have overcome so much this past summer, and I love you endlessly. We need to get coffee again!
8. Thanks for being a bro in Ceramics. The rides home are always appreciated greatly. Feel better, and remember: WE GOTTA HORSE RIGHT HERE, HIS NAME IS HARRY. lolol
9. You have overcome a lot too! Especially since right after last Thanksgiving. You are amazing and you continue to stun me with your strength and constant kindness in the face of adversity. I love you so much. We need to hang out soon.
10. Although we don't talk anymore (for reasons unknown to me), I want to thank you for helping me learn that people who don't like me are fucking stupid. I don't really care you don't talk to me anymore because I know it is you who is losing out.
11. That night was fucking amazing. I have never felt more like a normal guy then when I was dancing with you. We need to hang out before you leave, I miss you greatly.
12. Thank you for always encouraging me whether you are telling me I am a great writer, or that I am a fantastic person. I was so happy to burn that CD for you. If you ever need anything, just ask!
13. While we are separated by many miles and some stupid thing called the Atlantic Ocean, we still keep in contact. We both bonded a lot last year, and I am still thankful that I met you last year. You cheer me up regardless of what is going on and I love and miss you.
14. Thank you for putting up with me. We have extremely similar musical tastes. You are fantastic, and you need to know that. I love you, you'll get into Belmont, I know it!
15. Thanks for being there for me, even though you don't know you do.
16. You are a fantastic and beautiful human being. Thank you for listening to me and my problems and helping me out. I love you.

To all others: I love you all. Thank you so much for helping me feel the best I have felt in my entire life. Keep on doing what you're doing. If you ever need anything, just contact me. You are all fantastic!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Cloud 9

I had my first kiss tonight. And then multiple others.
My favorite band is reuniting.
I have never felt better about myself.
I had alcohol-free fun tonight.
I danced so hard.
I made new friends.

I fucking love senior year.

Continuum

For the second day in a row, I have looked in the mirror and I haven't been disgusted by my appearance.

Raining Again

One year. Damn, how the time flies. Well, how it flies at some points, and how it limps past at other points. I cannot believe that you haven't killed me by now, with my constant texts, awful jokes, and whining. I can't seem to remember ever meeting a more influential person in my life. You have changed me for the better, and I thank you endlessly. I know that we have had our differences, and arguments, and breaks, but all of those have made me a better person. You bring me back to earth when I'm roaming the heavens aimlessly, looking for some dying star to hang onto that is ready to explode and ready to hurt me. You soothe my worries with your kind eyes and gentle voice. You know exactly what to say when I don't know what is wrong with me. You are an extraordinary person, and in the last year, I have seen you grow so much. I know our time together is limited, and I know that you want to go off to Utah to become the best writer ever (you're halfway there-- you just need to get to Utah), but I wish that you will always carry a piece of me with you as you go on through your life; as I'll be carrying you.

The fact that I keep living in spite of my thoughts sometimes
The fact that I whine about things and not doing anything about them
The fact that you care enough to say something is too much for me
The way you ask me if everything is alright when I know it's not makes it better

I know this will get better with time
Time heals all wounds;
With that I'm too familiar
I try too hard sometimes

Getting better isn't easy
I remember when you weren't alright either
But you are a lot better now
So much shit comes your way, but you handle it

And I know I don't know everything
Hell, I don't know half of it
Half of your situation or half of mine
But I know it gets better with time

If only that time was short

Compliments

I have been complimented a lot recently, especially on my appearance. It makes me so happy and makes me feel so good about myself whenever people say that I look good. It erases the years of being told I was a good-for-nothing fatass. It makes me feel like I'm normal and that people don't look at me like a freak. Thank you so much to all of you.

You all are beautiful.

Oh Memories, Where'd you go?

Machine

The life I live is a lie
Why do I even try?
It amazes me how trivial everything is
I can't remember when or where I realized this

All I remember is how much it hurts

Parties

I know I'm not the most popular kid, I know I'm socially awkward, and I know I tend to kill jokes, but I would love to go to a high school party just once. I mean, maybe it's because I don't drink, or maybe it's because I'm loud and obnoxious, but I don't get invited. And 9 times out of 10, I'd rather just chill with my friends, but I would still go to a party if offered.

Whatever.

Delete

Often times I want to strike up a conversation
But I don't on the grounds that I'm a fool
I talk too loudly
I talk too much
I'm crude and inarticulate
If I only had the words to say
I adore you in millions of different ways
I would
But I don't
So I won't
And I'll be forever wondering
If I would have changed anything
I doubt I would
I'm only so sane
I can't bring this full circle like I want to
But I can do one thing
Say I'm sorry
And disappear into the night alone

Infinity

The way that I felt
Dressed in denim
Leaning my head back
As we drove along the long winding roads that we had never seen before
Soaking up the laughs and smiles
Singing along to the songs we all knew
I smiled as I realized
what it felt like to be loved