Resolution Revolution

I usually have the most extreme and seemingly unreachable New Year's Resolutions, so this year I decided to have small, easy-to-manage goals. I hope everyone has a safe and healthy New Year!

1. Lose at least 3 pounds a month
2. Get into college
3. Do 2 regret-free things a month
4. Read my AP Euro book for 30 minutes per weekday
5. Only eat when I'm hungry
6. Read for leisure more often
7. Don't hold in what I really feel
8. Say yes more

If you decide to drink tonight, from 6pm-6am on New Year's Eve/Day AAA will take you & your car home for FREE, member or not: 800-222-4357. Happy New Year!

Year in Review

Highlights: Prom, summer, feeling infinite, homecoming, Gogol party, being with Dan and Rian, first kiss, hanging with Eddie, 80's party, Zach Braff tweeting me, Comedy Central following me, being happy, and being able to look in the mirror and not feeling sickened by my appearance.

Bad parts: Bitches blocking me for no reason, people hating, depression, self-consciousness, and school.

Trichotillomania

In the summer after 5th grade, I told this girl that I liked her and she just said "oh".
And then I emailed her a bunch saying I was sorry (and looking back what the fuck was I sorry for? I told her I liked her, why the ignoring me and harsh attitude when I saw you at church?) Eventually I got an email back saying "stop. there are so many fish in the sea." Well, there was more to that, but that is a direct quote from it. The email was lost when my old computer crashed, and along with it, an outbox full of apologies from a 5th grade boy whose heart had been broken.

I started pulling my hair out and I had to wear a hat or a dew rag for the rest of the summer because there was this giant bald spot on the top of my head. And now, whenever I get messed up or I'm in a bad state of mind, I check my clothes to see if there is any hair on them.

That, or I pull some hair out.

SUCCESS

I GOT THE PART I WANTED IN THE MUSICAL!

Merry Christmas

Christmas Cheer

Deck the halls
Hang the stockings
Decorate the tree
But you'll never feel happy

Captured by corporate greed
You want in excessive amounts
It's really quite absurd
I can't get you what you want

You want the world
On a string around your finger
So you can use it at will
You have it all

You should see the family across town
They huddle around the table for warmth
They sip the lukewarm soup they consider a feast
They may not have much; but they have something you don't

LOVE

Life, etc.

I decided that for all of my little rants, whining, and general musing posts, they will carry the title of Life, etc.
-----------------------

I really wish I had a sibling who I would want to be around, or a sibling that I could tell anything to. A sibling who looks up to me or admires me in any way would be fine. I wish my family liked me. It sucks when they all gang up on me, especially during the holidays.

Birthday

If you were not born; I'd be dead.
And this is something I know for a fact.
Because the both of you have saved me more times than I can count
And it's not the classic run-of-the-mill relationship.
Because we both live in a state of give and take.
Stasis relationships are the way I live my life; or so I'd like to believe.
But I never know because all I can hear between us is the distance.

Bartender

And yet the whiskey keeps pouring; your reality becomes less and less apparent
You start telling me about what you really think of me

And I don't like it; you tell me you hate me;
because of the way my heart is

And you know I can't stand it when you get like this;
but you refuse to stop drinking because it makes the pain go away

But does it really go away?
Or is it just masked?
Because I'm pretty sure that you just hold everything inside;
at least until you are alone

Because I have walked in on you;
crying on the floor screaming for my forgiveness.

All you needed to do is ask.
But it is too late.

I don't care anymore.

I don't think I've ever been this excited for a Wednesday night in my entire life.

Less than one year from now

And suddenly, I'm not so sure of my future anymore.

Happiness is always a phone call away

My mind is in a totaL state of decay
I can't deal with eVerything that is being thrown at me
I care too much
That's what Is wrong with me.

I can't fuckiNg do anything anymore.
I don't care who knows.
Because if everyone knows, they can't do anything.

Maybe that's why I need to relax.
I need to stop worryinG.

I just need to stop

This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But that’s not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still haven’t.

I don't want to be alone

I always feel like I'm alone. I've felt that way since the 8th grade, and whenever I feel really confident about myself or when I finally think I'm over my depression, loneliness rears its ugly-ass head. I just wish people wanted to hang out with me, not because they feel bad when I get like this, or I didn't mind being alone.

But I do.

And I don't that will in the near future, or ever.

So I guess I'll have to fucking deal.

I can't remember when I first realized the fact
that you and I were to be friends forever
I don't know if it was when I was wiping my armpits with alcohol swabs
Or when you told me I was a good writer
Was it when we were in study hall suppressing our laughter about cars?
I can't remember
I know one thing
I'm glad I have you in my life
You have brought me so much joy and happiness
From the car rides
to the many times you've brought me back to earth
You're great
Don't let this impede your progress
You've come so very far.

It pains me to see you like this.
It hurts me to see you so distraught.
Just remember:
You will end up happy.

What I've been thinking lately

I'm sorry I've kept things from you and you have to find out
by my writing or my slip of the mouth
I know that I'm not a monster, I fear you'll think I'm one

And you're one bright shining light in my life lately
I've become so disillusioned with everything lately
Like that one girl, the one you mentioned today

And I hate how much I adore you and him
I absolutely hate it
I hate that I love you two

Because we wouldn't have worked out
You two are meant to be
I would have ruined God's will

And I understand why you didn't want to tell me
While I had accepted it at that point
I wasn't at peace
---------------------
I can't believe you won't tell me
I don't mind that you have a crush
But it feels like you don't trust me

And I've gotten over you lately
But I felt sick to my stomach
When you told me you didn't want me to interfere
--------------------
I feel like I can't fall in love again
But I know I will
I fall in love with everyone

And I feel my words wear out their meaning
Even though every time I say them
I mean them more and more
--------------------
You think you're so great?
When all you do is brag about how high you get?
Get off your high horse, you're not great at all

And while people praise you for partying
I despise you
You sicken me

Stormy Clouds

The amount of shit I go through is endless
The feelings I harbor are ever-expanding
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
Or to scream or hug
I don't know how to function
I'm broken and you're the reason

When I turn a deaf ear to the howling winds of enchantment and false hope
And when I turn my eyes from the false light
When I close my mouth
I become one with the world