investing my time in you is like buying a timeshare in pakistan

for all who work or watch or weep this evening with me
let it be
totally my fault that you thought i was someone im not
the one who defined all boundaries of our interactions and who pushed when i nudged
who punched when i tapped
im sorry that you dont know the strength of your own goddamn words
the ones that bite and tear at the fabric of my soul
every day i comb my hair
to be viewed as not a fiend but a friend
but sometimes i wish i were a bit more devilish
so i could just go as i am
because its not easy to love and not be loved back
and to admire but be viewed with distain in return
i feel like im trapped inside the cauldron in which you brew your lies and deceits
im sorry that i dont laugh at the right times
but at least i cry when you want me to
because the slap of your absence
leaves a stinging feeling that leaves tears in my eyes
and one day we must grow apart but i thought it would be much later on

dont fret or cry
itll all be alright
for in the end we all balance ourselves out
our debts are cleared and we are free
of worries
because our creator
whoever they might be
has us in difficult situations
to test our resolve
this problem that is being faced
will help others seek help
many will benefit from the
courage that is shown
by coming forward
with support
for
others

binge feeling.

O hell this feeling that is so familiar

but so goddamn mysterious!!

I told the watchman that I am not who he thinks I am;

I am not the one stealing the hearts of many

I am the one who is just an ever-present spectator

Do not tell me that I am the one who everyone is out to get,

because if they really knew they know my conscience is shit

I do not know why I have this lack of motivation

maybe it is the man that stole it from me years ago

the saint, the sinner, the all-mighty face that I do not know

Who are you, man of lore??

You steal the minds of men and chuckle when everything comes crushing down!!

Why do you feel the need to ruin that which has already gone awry??

Pick up your clothes and curl your toes

run to class and don’t be late

I am not a fraud

I set out to serve humanity and all of its various arms and branches

O! But if I could only remember why I came here in the first place!

Did I toss away my only shot at redemption?

The halfway point has come and gone

and the only part I have left is the shattered piece of heart that you left me with

Who am I?

am I here to fail and to set an example for others?

Why must I medicate and therapeutically go throughout life?

Taking chemicals to correct this divine imbalance I seem to have been blessed with??

Is it a blessing or rather a curse?

Life is so fragile and wretched!! Is that why I am afraid to live??

Help me, savior!! O Lord, O God! Where art thou in my times of trouble??

When I know I cannot and will not be able to go on!!

I raise my arms in an attempt to brush against you.

but you are no where within my reach.

I will not allow anyone to ruin me.

Prison of My Conscience

Keep the earth far below my feet

SO that when I do finally jump

I burn up and feel pain

Before dying on impact

I don't know if I'm sad still

Or if this is just one of those days

But I need to live for me

and not try to catch your gaze

but that's all I ever do

please love me

come back

I miss you my dear

Your eyes are so alluring

and I miss them

And I miss us talking every day

But I'm over you

And I've met someone else

who likes me as much as I like her

and it's weird

i Dont Think Ive Ever Been In A Relationship Like This Before

typing like a Freak

i need to be set free and run and scream and dance and love

but i cant

and i wont

because i cant miss class

because i cant fail

but i can fall

its funny how that works

we can fall but never fail

because falling we can pick ourselves up

but with failure comes shame and disappointment

and not even the fairest king

could ever let me go

from failing again

'please understand' i scream

they take me away

and lead me to the dungeon

where all the other criminals live

but i am the only one who will ever be incarcerated

for this is a special place built only for me

Strife and Struggle

I'm my own biggest obstacle

And it's been that way since birth

Always turning my opinions null

I'm fighting myself and my opponent is on home turf 

Because I can talk the talk

But when the time comes

I am lame and can't walk

I've miscalculated my sums

I'm not confident and I don't know what to do

This life I lead is immoral and gross 

All my dignity has been pierced clean through

And I'm stuck here talking because I can't walk and I'm verbose

I haven't written in so long.

Because if people didn't ignore those good things, they wouldn't falter and fall and get scraped and pick themselves back up again. There would be no progress in feelings. Feeling hurt is probably the most beautiful thing about being human. You are ALIVE. You can feel PAIN. You can feel JOY. You can feel EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.

fuck thats the first thing ive written/posted in over a month

i dont like college

i want it to be last year and i want to be with dan and rian and eddie and madly in love with every girl i meet

Take Two And Call Me In The Morning

Two a day
Up from Two months ago
More than Two years ago
Time just slipping away
Sleeping the days away
Never feeling useful
Not knowing whether to see if the blade helps
Or hurts
Too afraid to try
Too scared to see
My sins will never be forgiven
Even I don't know what I'm saying
When I try to sit down to write what's on my mind
And All I Can Think Is Failure
But am I a failure?

What if I'm meant to spread the word
about depression and dying
and that I could be the catalyst
the one who speeds up the reaction
the one who brings about change
No ambition
No drive

Never thought I'd regret losing my virginity
But looks like I was fucked
Literally and Metaphorically

It's never getting Any better Than This

I didn't get the job

What if it's because of my writing

Well fuck that

I'm sorry

This is the only reason I'm still alive
if i'm to be frank

sorry

My rare moments of brilliance

If every clam had a pearl in it, something beautiful would be taken for granted.

Execution

I just want it to be last year when I was always with my friends and seeing people because no matter how much last year hurt, this year is so much worse.

Because now I try to stay away from the Bright Eyes. Because eyes that are bright hide a world of hurt. And that hurt can extend to me. And I think that the band reminds me of last year too much. The car rides and her singing along to the words I didn't know, but I felt. The back roads from his house to mine. The thank you and the good bye. The holding it together as you pull out of the driveway. The losing it as I walk inside because I can see you hurting still. And I hurt too. And your once shining eyes are now a murky pool. And things got better, but at that point I didn't know.

And I don't know why I'm writing this now. At 2:11 in the morning almost a year since. I wanted to vent about her but ended up missing them more. Love always defeats hurt, even if both are stinging slaps to the face.

And lord, if I die before I wake, I pray that you let me finally be at peace.

some times it's just best to (live and let) die

They told me college would be the best four years of your life

I've got three more to go

And I'm supposed to take two different types of medication

So the happy me will the the only one left

I sleep next to a bottle of serotonin to wash down the taste of ritalin in the morning

because water just doesn't do it for me anymore

and sometimes i lie in bed trying to count all of the times i've woken up wishing i were dead

and sometimes i wish i had a blade so i could tally them up

and sometimes i wish i could cry without fear of being judged

because college males are supposed to have the shoulders to cry onto

but mine are soft and often get sweaty

because the thought of what i've done makes me paranoid of being found out

and i wake up with my sheets on the floor because i turned the heat up one too many times

i toss and i turn and i sweat and i cry out

because this is a new type of sadness

and i can't figure it out

"we'll keep in touch"

soon turns into

"hey can you help me out"

and another friend beings to use me

and i hate that they don't realize what they are doing

you're objectifying me

something i once deplored

but as of late i have accepted

i was told that people wish they could love as much as me

i was told it was my best quality

i was told that i would never lose it

i can't fall in love anymore

Profound Thoughts (Excerpts from Chats with Rian)

I think that... there's different types of love.

Like, there's the love I have for you and for Dan.

The love that keeps the coals in my heart burning. The love that I know will be there to make sure I'm caught when I fall. The love that no matter what, will always be there, no matter how many times I get drunk, or curse out, or make stupid mistakes.

And I think there is something like the love I felt with A. The one where I would look at a picture of her for periods at a time and smile, outwardly, and inwardly.

And when I had a chance to talk to her, I got shy and couldn't think of what to say, and I blushed.

And when she told me she never loved me, it tore me up, because I love her.

The type of love that is always going to be there, no matter how much I try to rid myself of it.

The type of love that is riddled with jealousy, like when she told me she was with someone less than a week after she told me she never loved me.

The type of love that hopes that relationship will crash and burn.

I don't know if that's love

1:13am

I think it was love

Now it's just resentment

I don't know

well, not complete resentment.

I just wish I could have been the one she loved and wanted to be with.

People

Sometimes I just don't understand people. They seem to really enjoy your company, your presence, and your conversations with them, but the next minute, they never respond to you, they stop caring about you, and they absolutely break you. I guess that's life though; a roller coaster ride. You just have to find the people who'd grab your arm in terror as the car drops on the first hill, but who don't shrug you off when you grab their arm when you go through the corkscrew.

Awareness

So I know most of you know that I've struggled with depression for the larger part of my life. Some might not, but that's whatever. I don't want to cry today, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I will always be here for each and every one of you if you ever need anything. I don't care if we have never even talked before, I will drop everything to help you. I know it sucks being alone and feeling like no one cares enough to listen and help, so I want to weed that problem out. I'll always listen. I'll always try to help. I'm always here. No one deserves to feel the only way out is to kill themselves.

If you ever need me, I'm usually near my phone which has Facebook on it, and my number is 412 965 1128.

Stay strong, life is worth it.

Disappointment

No I'm not disappointed in the world
My family, my friends, or my life
In fact I'm pleased with the way this year has unfurled
Well for the most part anyways, the other part, I might as well knife

Because I messed up big time
Not in what I do or I say
But what I don't, being a witness is still a crime
Now all I want is to be spirited away

Because I'm disappointed in myself
My inactions and things left unsaid
They're enough to make one kill oneself
But it won't matter, I'm not alive, I'm walking dead

My soul is barren
Like a radioactive landscape
All those who I love leave me. Abandon.
All. Hope. It. Won't. Get. Better. I'm not one for tickertape.

Thanks for the memories.
But fuck you for actively ignoring me
I hope I will go on, maybe at least once in my life celebrate some anniversaries
But right now, it's lonely; me and only me

Who Exactly Am I?

Once upon a time there was someone who wanted to be happy but never could and wrote symphonies and painted masterpieces with his own blood and sin
and the whole applauded when he shared his feelings
and booed when he held them in
but when he had his back turned they scoffed and chided
they laughed and mocked
he asked people to love him and they looked at him and shook their heads and smirked and ignored

but every time one of you needs me i fucking answer the call
and i devote all of me to everyone and it gets so fucking exhausting
and you upload photos of you having fun and i wish i could be there
at the same time i wish you werent in my life and i think about deleting you
from the sites from the phone from my life but i cant
because you're just like a dream
so far but so near
and i cant remember all of the good parts but the bad parts linger and im sorry
and i am so sorry
but i always apologize and i dont know why i do
is it because i always feel like i have wronged?

or is it because the night time is a time when my guard goes down and my mind takes advantage?
because the only time i feel completely honest is when the owls are flying and hooting
and when people are sleeping and drinking their pains away
because i feel so alone in a room full of people
and i cant handle it anymore
and sometimes i wish i didnt exist
but sometimes i value my life
and im not sure what type of time this is
maybe its a new sometimes when its both

but i dont know

i never know

i never will

i take my pills so daddy doesnt hate me
and so mommy doesnt worry
and so brother will talk to me
and so sister wont ignore me
and so friends wont know the real me
the crazy me
the wild me
the me that feels like i should jump in front of the traffic on my way to the cafeteria
or the me that doesnt want to make my life a waste
or the me that tries to talk to girls
or the me that drinks with others because drinking alone makes me cry

i dont know who i am for sure
and im not sure if i want to know what others think of me
yet it keeps me awake at night for hours
and why i always write these goddamned posts
and tell people i love them because they mean a lot
or say to girls "you're beautiful" because
if they know that they are attractive
they might not feel like me

i dont want anyone to feel like me

death of your feelings

i dont know what love means anymore
the definition has become diluted
and i cant stop screaming at my self
while tearing up the floor
of the baseless relationship my life is built upon
she doesnt feel the same way back
she cares but not that much
she doesnt think she can know

i scream to the sky as the last of my life burns down
and i laugh maniacally and begin to cry because im so overdramatic
and i reach up and rip my hair out between disgusting half-breed sobs and laughs
and my scalp starts to bleed
and as i rip the last of my hair out
of my disgusting, wretched head
i collapse on the ground
strewn across the dirt
the rain starts to fall softly
washing away the blood on my head
and forming a pool on the ground
and as my flesh begins to rot
and my eyes sink into my skull
i watch from above
and smile
because now it doesnt hurt anymore

At Least I'm not as Sad as I used to Be

The Reverend Proclaims
They shall burn in hell for being young
Condemning himself to the same fate
as he did the same long ago

And they lounge outside the church
earphones in
heads bopping
cigarettes held loosely between their lips

as the beat begins to build
they unsheathe their weapons
and the drums begin to pound in their heads
and they go numb

and their shivs and knifes
and the guns they stole from the closet
and the baseball bats
start to be used

and they all go insane
and they all go crazy
and they all turn into lunatics
ashes ashes they all fall down

our hearts travel through airwaves

i fall asleep at night
with my face basking
in the soft light
with a message unfinished, but you know what I was asking

"do you love me yet"
after all of this time?
"my dear, do not fret
i love you more than i have loved another, you're sublime"

i awake in a cold sweat
and remember your response
but when i look down, my heart is beset
as my message is still unsent, i just had dreamed of a lover's renaissance

Love

Love is uncertainty because you have no fucking idea what is going to come your way tomorrow but you just grip your partner's hand and ride the wave