Accepted

I got accepted to WVU.

I feel so much better even though WVU isn't my top choice.

Inspirational Rap (I guess)

I'm going slightly stoopid from all these haters blowing haze
Going through life is like going through a maze
Not like on a Happy Meal bag
Much harder than one in a Highlights mag

One that challenges the mind
And tests the soul
Just make sure you stay inside that line
Cuz someone will make your body go cold

Limp, deceased, not in this realm anymore
That's what you'll be if you mess with me
And don't worry about that whore
She been with so many guys;
I don't wanna catch anything that makes it hurt when I pee

But seriously, you have so much potential
You fall short in everything you do
While you decline, I rise exponential
I give it my all and I got my crew

You have "friends" that hate
I have supporters that love
You just want to get a girl to mate
All I want is a girl to love

And I know I just used the same word to rhyme
Cut me some slack
I could give you all the time
to write something like this; but you'll always be like an asscrack

You'll always stink

Mood

AP English cheered me up a bit. I hope I stay a bit happier. I feel really sick though. I need to find my good belt, this one always makes me feel sick.

Also, why the hell does everyone hate on poets? Everything that people hate is what I do. I feel a lot (at least I used to), and I write love poems and I write about things that I wish were. So fucking what?

My mind isn't feeling normal. At least I made a few jokes that people laughed at. That is always nice to have people appreciate me.

I really need to get into college. That should calm me down a little bit.

I think I'm just going to watch Netflix today.

I don't know if I smell. I took a shower last night, so my mom said I didn't have to take one this morning. I also hope I don't look like a loser. I hate judgment even though I do it a lot.

I can't look certain people in the eyes anymore. I just... don't know what to do. It makes my stomach hurt and I don't know why.

I miss Daisy.

I can't think of anything coherent to say, so I'm just going to end the post.

Daisy

Remember that one time when we first saw you? I was scared to see you because I associated the word boxer with a tough scary guy who hurts people, but you were the exact opposite. You were the dog that healed so many wounds. You were chained up and you had a growth the size of a golfball on your left side. We put a leash on your collar and we ran the length of the front yard of that golden retriever farm in the golden-red light of the sunset. You were so happy to be able to move and you loved it. We loved you. Remember how Dad told Mom not to bring the checkbook because we were just seeing if we wanted you? Remember how Mom took it along anyways?

Remember on the hour-long car ride home you were farting up a storm? I don't think I've ever smelled gas that bad since. We were trying to think of names for you, and Mom said "Daisy". That name means so much to me. It always will.

Remember how when we got you back home, and the rest of the family was asleep, Dad got the leash out to take you for a walk and you hid because you thought he was going to whip you? Remember how before you went mostly deaf whenever we opened the basement door and the jingle of the leash sounded, you came running into the kitchen? You loved your walkies.

Remember how on the first night that you were with us, you chewed up my new boat playset? I was so pissed, I didn't talk to you for a good few hours, but then you won me over. I remember when we were the same size when you stood on your hindlegs, so we danced in the backyard to the music of the summer days. Remember when I was playing in the backyard and you were running in your oval that is probably worn down into the dirt, and you ran right through my legs and I flipped over and landed on my back? You didn't even slow down, and I am still amazed to this day about that.

Remember when you flattened your body like a pancake and slipped underneath the fence? Even when we staked down the fence, you still did it. You were so adorable.

Remember when Grandpa died and I didn't stop crying? You came over to me and you licked my hand and I gave you a hug, and you leapt up onto the couch and licked my tears. You always knew when I was feeling sad, even if I wasn't outwardly showing it.

You were my best friend, no matter what. No matter how many times I got annoyed at you for pawing at the back door whenever I had just gotten comfortable on the couch, no matter how many times I pushed you away when you wanted to be pet, you always came back the next day with love in your eyes.

Remember when you used to run up and down the length of the fence with Cocoa, racing to see who was the faster dog? And even when Cocoa got up in her age, you always went to the fence and peered through to see if your puppy friend was doing alright, and you still ran the length of the fence by yourself.

Remember how much you loved cheese? Even yesterday, as the catheter was in your paw, and you lay on the blanket that was covering the doggy gurney, you ate it out of my hand. I probably took 25-30 pictures and videos of you yesterday. I miss you so much. I have looked for you two times so far today, and then when I remember you aren't here, I get so sad.

But you're up in puppy heaven right now. You are free of pain, free of growths, you are able to run like you used to, you can hear, you can eat, you can use all of your legs. You are wagging your tail constantly, and doing that cute things with your body. You know, the one where you twisted your back side and front side when you were excited. I bet you are doing that right now. Hell, I know you are. I can't wait to see you one day soon Daisy. I love you forever. You will always be my Daisy Puppy Dog.

You were my miracle and I'm going to try to love everyone as you loved everyone.

Rest In Peace

I love you Daisy.

Hollow

Like a cheap piece of wood
or an empty egg

I feel so empty
Living without a purpose

Autopilot has engaged
nothing is real for me anymore

I can't deal with these rumors
and I can't deal with this cramming

Of feelings inside of me
I keep them inside

I'm about to explode because I'm so full
but I'm hollow

Just Hold On

Because fuck them; those who hate and destroy

Those who love and then hate; who create and desecrate

The time of repentance has come and passed; those who have not answered will realize their error

Silence yourself now; you only make yourself look like a fool

Uncertainty

Lately, I've been feeling weird. I realized that now, more than ever, is the time to fuck up and make mistakes. I realize that this may seem like me acting differently or oddly to some people, but don't worry. I'm still the same kid, I'm just... living. Expect me to take chances, speak my mind, and to just be how I want to be.

Also, I love this song, and I found the version with the instrumental just for you guys, because it is indeed, that awesome.

Waterloo

I haven't been posting lately because a lot of shit was going on. I had to bring my grades up before the end of the term, I had a two-day AP Euro midterm, I had two musical practices, I submitted 7 college applications, and to top it all off, I had to deal with the ever-increasing conflict in my house.

I have been thinking a lot about love, life, and the future.

I can never seem to fucking win when it comes to girls. I fall way too fucking easily, and then it takes a while to pick myself back up. I also make those feelings known because when they're bottled up inside, it makes my soul feel like death. Some of the stupidest things I have ever done have been because I have loved a girl. Fuck, if I had to tally up all of the relationships I've fucked up because I've told a girl I liked her, it'd be a lot of fucking tally marks. At least I don't fucking cut myself because those tally marks would go on my arm, and that way I'd have to live with a visual representation of the mistakes I've made. Someone told me recently that true love isn't a real thing. I didn't believe it at first, but this happened the night after a tally mark said something that fucking pissed me off, and I am starting to lose my faith in love. I really hope I don't become a high school guy who only cares about fucking and leaving girls. I couldn't live with myself if I did, but I've been more understanding of that recently. Not the fuck and dump, but like, random hookups. Emotions make shit complicated and I think that the reason that I fall in love is because I feel. Feeling is apparently one of my gifts and talents, and it's great at times, but at most times, being a high school guy, it fucking sucks when most guys (and some girls) around you, seem like emotionless robots who can't seem to express simple sympathy for a person or a cause.

My grandmother is probably going to die within the next two years, and every time I go to visit her, it makes me so fucking depressed. I guess it's a selfish thing, but that's one of the main reason I don't like to visit her. Just seeing the woman who was so lively and active only 4 years ago being bedridden and not being able to speak coherently is the fucking worst.

My dog is probably going to be put down in the next month or two, which fucking sucks because she has been my best friend since the first grade. No matter who I thought hated me or laughed at me or anything, she was always there to listen to me rant about shit and she was always there to lick my face when I was crying. I guess I'm glad no one else licked my face when I was crying, but still, she is still my puppy dog.

I want to know what colleges I'm going to get into now. I can't take this bullshit about if the college I want to go to is bad, or if I need to go to a state school because I won't get a giant scholarship, but I can't fucking take it because everyone keeps pulling me in a different direction. Just let me be.

Someone please talk to me.

So this is what it is like to see all of time at once?
No wonder the Gods don't interfere
I see the sluts grinding their nearly naked bodies and moaning for the attention climax they so dearly desire
I see the hateful scheme on how to bring the loving down, making their plots known to their own kind, and rejoicing when they succeed

I see the lonely and unloved silently cry out for the love they so deserve

I see the depressed plan and hope the ones they want to save them actually come and save


But I see the boy, the man, so innocent and loved, take his own life, and I wonder, why don't the Gods interfere just to save this one soul?

And I realize; the Gods are unloving and cruel, the Gods love and protect, the Gods cannot interfere, because they too, were once people themselves.

Fix You

I'll always be here waiting for when you return
Because I'm not enough of a man to say how I feel
I love you and I'm sure you know it deep down
It's obvious really, in the way I act
How I care
How I comfort
How I talk
But no more

No more
I realized I need to be strong
I need to be a man
I can't sit quietly in the backseat while you drive to some unknown destination

I need to take action
I need to be strong
I need to be a man
I will not coddle, care, or comfort

I will say what I think
I will say how I feel
I will shout no when I'm thinking it
And I'll tell you when you're wrong

Because it's hurting the both of us.

Love

Have you ever felt so much platonic affection for someone that you can't help telling them how much you adore them almost every time you talk, and hope they don't get creeped out?

I love almost everyone. I don't know if it's some deeply rooted psychological thing where I feel I need to be constantly surrounded by friendly people, but I like most people immediately. I used to be really awkward in school in 8th, 9th, and 10th grades. I had just come back to QV in 8th grade after being in cyber school for the latter half of 7th grade, and I was put into classes with, for the most part, people I hadn't been in school with since 5th grade, or ever. I usually kept to myself in math class, where I was surrounded by popular, intelligent people, and I felt like a complete dunce. I didn't talk for most of the year, but then adopted a mentality that if I was crude and demeaning, people would like me. For the most part, I stayed out of their way, and they out of mine. That summer, I was scared to death of high school. I was told that people wouldn't take kindly to me whatsoever and that I shouldn't be myself and not talk. I spent the first half of that year holding myself in. It was hell. I couldn't tell jokes, I took abuse from assholes, I lived in fear that people would ridicule me if they found out that I liked Pokemon and still watched cartoons, for the most part I was worked up to an extreme degree one little lie that was told to me.

The dam burst during Christmas break. I couldn't handle it anymore. I became suicidal and was went to a partial behavior rehabilitation program for 3 weeks. I felt better and went back to school. I was now even more reclusive, as I was taken out of two classes because I had missed so much school. I spent those two periods in the nurse's office everyday, mostly keeping to myself. I did speak my mind every once in a while now, but it still wasn't the greatest.

10th grade was a different experience. I had to repeat the two classes I was taken out of, and those were for the most part, awful. I loved my English class, and I still do to this day. I was more social this year, but I was still reclusive. I met a lot of friends this year, but that still didn't stop me from starting to drink, which didn't even make me feel better. I have no idea why I drank because I was sadder after I was done than when I had started. This year ended with me getting a D in 3 out of my 5 classes. It was not a great year.

11th grade is the year of redemption. I was outspoken, loved the majority of my classes, and I met my best friend. It was a wonderful year, especially after I discovered the magic of writing. I could take my feelings out of my mind and store them on a piece of paper. It felt fantastic to be able to deal with my problems in a way other than drinking or crying. I found out this year that people do like me and love me, which I still am reminded of almost everyday.

When I tell you I love you, I don't mean to be creepy or odd or weird. I mean it in the nicest and most honest way possible. I believe everyone deserves to be loved, and that they should know people love them. It's a great feeling and can make any cloudy sky turn blue in an instant.