My rare moments of brilliance

If every clam had a pearl in it, something beautiful would be taken for granted.

Execution

I just want it to be last year when I was always with my friends and seeing people because no matter how much last year hurt, this year is so much worse.

Because now I try to stay away from the Bright Eyes. Because eyes that are bright hide a world of hurt. And that hurt can extend to me. And I think that the band reminds me of last year too much. The car rides and her singing along to the words I didn't know, but I felt. The back roads from his house to mine. The thank you and the good bye. The holding it together as you pull out of the driveway. The losing it as I walk inside because I can see you hurting still. And I hurt too. And your once shining eyes are now a murky pool. And things got better, but at that point I didn't know.

And I don't know why I'm writing this now. At 2:11 in the morning almost a year since. I wanted to vent about her but ended up missing them more. Love always defeats hurt, even if both are stinging slaps to the face.

And lord, if I die before I wake, I pray that you let me finally be at peace.

some times it's just best to (live and let) die

They told me college would be the best four years of your life

I've got three more to go

And I'm supposed to take two different types of medication

So the happy me will the the only one left

I sleep next to a bottle of serotonin to wash down the taste of ritalin in the morning

because water just doesn't do it for me anymore

and sometimes i lie in bed trying to count all of the times i've woken up wishing i were dead

and sometimes i wish i had a blade so i could tally them up

and sometimes i wish i could cry without fear of being judged

because college males are supposed to have the shoulders to cry onto

but mine are soft and often get sweaty

because the thought of what i've done makes me paranoid of being found out

and i wake up with my sheets on the floor because i turned the heat up one too many times

i toss and i turn and i sweat and i cry out

because this is a new type of sadness

and i can't figure it out

"we'll keep in touch"

soon turns into

"hey can you help me out"

and another friend beings to use me

and i hate that they don't realize what they are doing

you're objectifying me

something i once deplored

but as of late i have accepted

i was told that people wish they could love as much as me

i was told it was my best quality

i was told that i would never lose it

i can't fall in love anymore

Profound Thoughts (Excerpts from Chats with Rian)

I think that... there's different types of love.

Like, there's the love I have for you and for Dan.

The love that keeps the coals in my heart burning. The love that I know will be there to make sure I'm caught when I fall. The love that no matter what, will always be there, no matter how many times I get drunk, or curse out, or make stupid mistakes.

And I think there is something like the love I felt with A. The one where I would look at a picture of her for periods at a time and smile, outwardly, and inwardly.

And when I had a chance to talk to her, I got shy and couldn't think of what to say, and I blushed.

And when she told me she never loved me, it tore me up, because I love her.

The type of love that is always going to be there, no matter how much I try to rid myself of it.

The type of love that is riddled with jealousy, like when she told me she was with someone less than a week after she told me she never loved me.

The type of love that hopes that relationship will crash and burn.

I don't know if that's love

1:13am

I think it was love

Now it's just resentment

I don't know

well, not complete resentment.

I just wish I could have been the one she loved and wanted to be with.

People

Sometimes I just don't understand people. They seem to really enjoy your company, your presence, and your conversations with them, but the next minute, they never respond to you, they stop caring about you, and they absolutely break you. I guess that's life though; a roller coaster ride. You just have to find the people who'd grab your arm in terror as the car drops on the first hill, but who don't shrug you off when you grab their arm when you go through the corkscrew.

Awareness

So I know most of you know that I've struggled with depression for the larger part of my life. Some might not, but that's whatever. I don't want to cry today, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I will always be here for each and every one of you if you ever need anything. I don't care if we have never even talked before, I will drop everything to help you. I know it sucks being alone and feeling like no one cares enough to listen and help, so I want to weed that problem out. I'll always listen. I'll always try to help. I'm always here. No one deserves to feel the only way out is to kill themselves.

If you ever need me, I'm usually near my phone which has Facebook on it, and my number is 412 965 1128.

Stay strong, life is worth it.