Monday, July 30, 2012

Quitters Never Win

I know it might just be who you are, but you are making it impossible for yourself to be happy. And that is painful to watch. Of course you want someone to love you, but life won't just hand you happiness and say "here you go, sweetie". I know you've been working hard with the weight loss, and it's GREAT, but there are more things you have to work on - your confidence, your well-being. And you need a spine, Tim. Seriously. You're tearing yourself down. You need to straighten your back and carry yourself like you know your own worth. Respect yourself. It's the first thing people notice. It just makes me sad how well you hide your good traits. It's much, much less about the physical aspect of it.
It's more about how you view yourself. If you think about yourself as "fat" or "worthless" or "lonely" or whatever it is you think you are, that's ALL everyone else will see. If you start embracing yourself and LIKING your personality and your looks, you will be so much more attractive. Keep your chin up. Stop whining, stop throwing yourself at people. Treat yourself with as much respect as you treat others with. Be a gentleman, be a good friend and take good care of yourself and you will feel much better. Chasing happiness and love is exhausting as hell. You end up running right past the things that really matter. You don't have to change anything to be likable. You just have to stop hiding the good parts of your personality behind insecurity and desperation.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Love: How I view it, want it, desire it, crave it, and how I'm letting it destroy me.

Me: i just feel--- disgusted with myself
Her: why?
Me: For believing in love. For putting so many girls up on a throne they didn't deserve to be on at all. For feeling like I NEED to be in a relationship so that... maybe if i throw love at every single girl, even if they don't deserve it, one might throw even just a scrap of love back and I would hold onto that scrap and that girl because I feel like I need to be loved.

Her: Are you referring to me?

Me: For the part when I throw love at you, yes
I did love you for a bit
But even afterwards I kept throwing love at you

I always have wanted someone to love me, whether it was an intimate relationship, friendship, or something completely different. I have always thrown myself at girls. I have felt attraction to them for laughing at my jokes, and subsequently spent the rest of the day thinking about how I could woo her and then marry her. I know that sounds pathetic, but that's because it is.

I have always craved attention. It makes me feel loved, even if just for a second. I believe it is part of why I am so loud and "out there". I tell jokes to shield people from seeing the real me; the boy that has been hurt and abandoned so many times.

The first words I could say were the names of the "Thomas the Tank Engine" characters. I kid you not. I always sat down in front of the TV for hours rewatching the same tape, pretending that Thomas really was my friend and that the Island of Sodor was real and I could go there with enough asking my parents. He was there for me when my family wasn't. And that was a lot from what I remember.

Whenever I like a certain TV show or video game, or something of that nature, I delve into it. I explore it like it was real. I fantasize and dream about it, most likely because it could never leave me. If I needed it to be there, it wouldn't hold its finger up while on the phone and then forget to talk to me while I cried in my room. It wouldn't tell me it was so excited to see me and then never show up. It wouldn't ignore me whenever I tried to talk to it. No, it would comfort me while I cried when trapped in the basement. It would stand up to my brother and sister when they were ganging up on me. It would have told me that it was okay to feel sad sometimes, and that I wasn't a freak. Whether it was pretending that I was in Harry Potter, or dreaming about being able to waterbend, or playing Pokemon, I was sucked into another world that helped me escape my own.

The first girl that I had to get over has the privilege of having the majority of the early poems on here written about her-- CJ. I fell in "love" with her in 9th grade Civics. She was an angel. So beautiful, so gentle, so heavenly. For the next year, as I experimented with drinking to try to help my depression, I kept on trying to impress her; baking cakes for our lunch table every chance I got. It didn't work. In the fall of 11th grade, I decided to be proactive about my approach to her. I went to the homecoming dance with the goal of walking up to her, asking her to a slow dance, and telling her my true feelings. At the dance, I scanned the crowd during one of the grinding songs, and there she was-- dancing with someone who would become her boyfriend. My stomach dropped to my knees, then back up to my throat as I threw up in my mouth and then dropped right back down to my knees. I was devastated and as I just about had the thought of them out of my mind, and my stomach almost back to its proper place, I made the mistake of looking up. They were in the same spot-- back to front, like they were about 45 minutes ago. My stomach started dropping again, but I swallowed the acidic juices as they rose up my throat. With my throat stinging, and my eyes watering, I resigned myself to dancing with my back to the group for the rest of the night.

A week later they started dating.

I wouldn't have treated her right though. I am too much of a spineless fuckwad to. Even though if I had her, she would have been the best thing to have ever happen to me (well, that's what it seemed like at the time.) But now, when I see her and him together, it makes me so happy that I was able to let go. I was able to let go and let her be so happy and realize that she and I probably wouldn't have been that great together.

Since I don't love myself, I use that lack of love and a normal love on every girl I know so that there would be a chance that even one of those girls might love me just a little bit, which would probably never be enough for me. 

I don't believe in love anymore, however.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Zero (Giants)

We all want to be giants,
Hell I know I do.

This isn't an ordinary time for anyone here;
we're all working and trying not to slip and fall.

Saving money for college tuition and books;
because when you don't rely on your parents for money, you're more than twice of a man.

We all want to be giants,
but we can't wait for our brains to catch up with our bodies.

You make me feel like a brand new soul;
fresh and clean and pure.

And when I see him with you;
he thinks he's more than twice a man than me.

But anything times zero is still zero.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Entwined Abyss

Tell me how long this is going to go on--
The fight between you and I
Are we going to be friends or something more?
Are we going to?

My heart just drops to the floor
when I look at you
when you feel me

And you see things differently;
the way we come
the way we go
and we both see that the world today is a scary place

but I just want to be with you
in the one place that I am not

your heart

"Sometimes when you smile, you look sad"

Her: first time he stayed over, he of course saw me without makeup

He went "You look so beautiful without that"

... Who the fuck made that guy? He says PERFECT things

Guys in real life does not do that

Me: ...I say those things

Her: Yes, but you are unique and beautiful and you

Me: so I'm not a guy?

Her: Of course you are, but you are far away and you probably belong in a movie as well. Guys like the two of you are so rare.

Last Night

As I sit here at 135 in the morning in my last morning of Peterkin, the lyrics to Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons keeps running through my head And it was not your fault but mine. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I my love? I don't know why it keeps running through my head, but it does. As I hear my friends talking in the lobby and the creek babbling near me, I sit in the folding chair propping open the front door to let a nice breeze in the building that has been my home for the past 9 years. I'm going to miss it, Peterkin, I mean. I was never one for staying up late, but there's no time like the present, right? Conner just walked outside. I'm going to stand with him. 140 am I told him about the time my first night here and how I saw angels. Grant, Andrew, Blake, came out. We were talking about angels an stuff and how beautiful stuff is. 155 am We're talking about free will and god and philosophy 2 am After talking about creepy video games and scary Things, and then Greek austerity packages, I think I'm going to head to bed. 232 am I woke up to the offspring-- how I usually woke up in intermediate camp. I guess I'm going out the way I came in.