an(Archaic)

Numbers in sequence
Letters in order
0’s and 1’s specifically placed

If there was no order
Would we be here?
Would the earth have ended?

The way that people think sometimes is unnerving
Unraveling logic and simple connections
Twist them into a Gordian Knot that can only be solved with cutting

off women and childrens’ heads.
The fact that the people never realize that they might
be wrong is why there is no love

only hate

7 Little Things

And on that piece of paper I wrote 7 little things;
       7 tiny reasons my heart was weighted

I capped the marker and opened the cabinet;
       I fumbled around until I felt what I needed-- the lighter

I stepped into the cold night;
      I rolled the paper into a tube

The lighter wouldn't stay on;
      It was as if the universe wanted my heart to sink more and more

It finally lit at one end;
     My spirits lifted and lifted

It burned more;
     I felt my burden lightening

I extinguished the end;
     For I felt well enough

I took the other end in;
     I unfurled it to throw it out

My heart sank even deeper than before;
    I had burnt the wrong end.

I only have so much love to give before I run out.

I cannot believe you right now. You aren't "sick", you're as high as a kite.

Be Happy or Cry Trying

My brain is so fucked up
I can’t be happy
so long as every day I have to sip from a cup
water and medicine that won’t make me act snappy

I don’t think I even like myself
because the only time my family can partially stomach me
is when I am on the highest dosage ever prescribed
but still sometimes I get yelled at and called “bipolar fatass”

I think I have anxiety issues
And I think I have trich
and I’m so fucking depressed
I don’t know what to think

I don’t want to do much else
Except rid myself of these emotions
and I know it’s impossible
Because of how fucked up I am

I just got back from spending over 12 hours with my favorite two people in the entire world. It was such a fun day. But I feel so vulnerable right now. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because they're the only two people I can go and completely lower my guard with. With everyone else, it seems I have to put up some sort of front to keep them thinking I'm alright, but with them, I can sit in complete and total silence in the car and just listen to music and think. It's alright to be sad around them. I can be a total mess because they care about me. I don't have to be Mr. Funny or anything. It doesn't hurt when they say something that if someone else said, I would be hurt, because I know they either don't mean it or they only want the best. I love the both of them.

Next year is going to be hell. I don't think I can be so far away from them.

Sweetheart (inspired by 'Cleopatra' by Miniature Tigers)

Sweetheart, you're doing a damn fine job
Fucking with my heart
It's like you've been trained for years to do this

And I thought you were one of the sweetest girls known to man
Turns out you can be one of the sourest
My heart is blackened and shriveled now; the pieces are falling off every time I look at your face

The way you look in that simple piece of fabric
Your curves perfectly accentuated
Your face not showing, even though your smile is the most gorgeous part of you

I see that you can not deal with me.
I cannot deal with you.
Just don’t tell me to fuck off; I’m in love with you still.

I'm going to be a sappy piece of shit. I am going to post statuses about how I feel down because when Facebook asks me what's on my mind, I'm not going to lie so the potsmokers and the fucking drunk whores in my school will accept me. I will be my self. I am so sick of putting up with their bullshit. I wish I could call them out by name, but that'd be creating pointless drama and while I could honestly not give a fuck, I still have 2 months to go with them, so I'll just delete them out of my life after I graduate. Fuck them. Fuck everyone.

When I don't post on Facebook, it's because something is wrong. I don't feel anything, so I don't post. It's weird but true. So when I don't update my status for a day or two, fucking talk to me because I might need you to know I'm here more than ever.

I wish someone was in love with me because I'm fucking sick of having my heart crushed every single fucking time I love someone. Don't ignore me either. That's just a bitch move and it's awful and sickening.

Fuck this shit.

I should be really happy right now but I'm not and I hate it

Angry Rant

• i just..i can't ignore people when they talk to me because it seems so rare and then i'm like yes i want to be your forever friend and then i go on these fucking awful wild goose chases and it just leaves me emotionally exhausted and usually mad and upset at myself for something i can't control and i just wish people would talk to me without wanting to use me as a messenger pigeon and fuck

• its just

texts and facebook messages are usually: hey what did we have for homework? when was that due? hey, mind doing x for me? and i'll just be like yes because i'm fucking scared to death of losing friends. like every person is precious to me because of being told that no one will ever like me when i was growing up probably contributed this extreme duty i feel i have to do shit for people and i shouldn't have it and it's not fucking fair. why should my insides turn hot red and my stomach start churning when i'm doing something for someone because they don't want to (again, you're forgiven, you had less of a part in this)? i mean fucking shit. is that all i am to people? a fucking messenger pidgeon or a fucking parrot? fucking relay messages or fucking repeat due dates or homework assignments? no. fuck those people and i hate them.

Mission: Successful

I've stepped in your BS one too many times

I swear, all of the stars in the sky are blinding
But your refusal to respond is what has me unwinding
I try to love and I end up getting hurt
I'm fucking sick of getting treated like dirt

So I'm moving on
And you are now long gone
From the choices I have made
To someone else my heart will have strayed

And you can't have it even if you beg
Because God knows that the bruises on my leg
Are because of you and you alone
So next time you call, don't expect me to pick up the phone

I'll press ignore so it will stop vibrating
and then you will be the one who is waiting
for even just a single syllable response
Welcome to the relationship anti-Renaissance