Thursday, April 9, 2015

All You Can Do

Watching the cigarette smoke escape my lips
Dancing in the car before I open the window
Why can't I light something with the wind blowing?
Sucking down carcenogens to make myself light headed and nicotine high because I've given up all else
Wondering if I left the ward too soon

Forgetting my pills in my car and washing the tobacco from my teeth and mouth and hair and clothes
I just want my friends and my family back
Suicidal idolations of being stabbed in the back
Watching my life burn away as the cancer sticks I swore I'd never touch come closer and closer to burning my fingertips

If I ever feel better I'll make a difference
I promise I will
I swear on my grave plot that I have fantasized about but haven't purchased
Listening to sad songs about happy people and vice versa
Is this poetry anymore?
Who am I anymore?

Therapy twice a week now but I haven't talked in about a minute
Minute differences dancing between the brake lights forming into stars from the tears in my eyes
I only cry when I'm moving forward
And this is a big step
Forward or backward I'm not positive
But being negative doesn't help

I just want to be okay
Promise me I'll be okay

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