Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Things I have complete and total control over

1. That the dishes are dirty after going through the dishwasher. I'm super sorry about that, because it's definitely me scrunched up in there doing the dishes. Maybe it's time to buy a new one?
2. That I sleep in the nude sometimes. Okay, I mean, this is pretty graphic, and I'm sure most of you are probably throwing up, but for those fantastic/fucking weird people who stuck it through, I should definitely wear clothes when it's 80 degrees in my room with two fans going on max, and the window open. Yeah, lemme text the Heat Miser and ask him to tone it down.
3. That it's hot out. Again, I'll text the Heat Miser. Maybe until he responds, we can get some central air or something.
4. That I'm fat and I eat a lot. Okay, half-sincere apology, because being fat isn't cool, I know, but dammit, it's kinda hard to go to the gym when you're paranoid about what people think about you (dammit vanity). P.S. I have a large stomach, so I'm hungry. A lot.
5. That I don't have my license. I'll get either you or mom to take me driving on the highway or somewhere to practice parallel parking. Oh wait. You guys won't take me.
6. That no place will hire me. Because the economy isn't in the shitter, and places hire fat male teenagers.
7. That I get moody. Fuck off. (See what I did there?)
8. That I can't be trusted. Sorry. I have to go snort crack lines off of some slut's ass. Also shoot up heroin. And drink. And fuck shit up. And cause trouble for the local establishment.


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