Waterloo

I haven't been posting lately because a lot of shit was going on. I had to bring my grades up before the end of the term, I had a two-day AP Euro midterm, I had two musical practices, I submitted 7 college applications, and to top it all off, I had to deal with the ever-increasing conflict in my house.

I have been thinking a lot about love, life, and the future.

I can never seem to fucking win when it comes to girls. I fall way too fucking easily, and then it takes a while to pick myself back up. I also make those feelings known because when they're bottled up inside, it makes my soul feel like death. Some of the stupidest things I have ever done have been because I have loved a girl. Fuck, if I had to tally up all of the relationships I've fucked up because I've told a girl I liked her, it'd be a lot of fucking tally marks. At least I don't fucking cut myself because those tally marks would go on my arm, and that way I'd have to live with a visual representation of the mistakes I've made. Someone told me recently that true love isn't a real thing. I didn't believe it at first, but this happened the night after a tally mark said something that fucking pissed me off, and I am starting to lose my faith in love. I really hope I don't become a high school guy who only cares about fucking and leaving girls. I couldn't live with myself if I did, but I've been more understanding of that recently. Not the fuck and dump, but like, random hookups. Emotions make shit complicated and I think that the reason that I fall in love is because I feel. Feeling is apparently one of my gifts and talents, and it's great at times, but at most times, being a high school guy, it fucking sucks when most guys (and some girls) around you, seem like emotionless robots who can't seem to express simple sympathy for a person or a cause.

My grandmother is probably going to die within the next two years, and every time I go to visit her, it makes me so fucking depressed. I guess it's a selfish thing, but that's one of the main reason I don't like to visit her. Just seeing the woman who was so lively and active only 4 years ago being bedridden and not being able to speak coherently is the fucking worst.

My dog is probably going to be put down in the next month or two, which fucking sucks because she has been my best friend since the first grade. No matter who I thought hated me or laughed at me or anything, she was always there to listen to me rant about shit and she was always there to lick my face when I was crying. I guess I'm glad no one else licked my face when I was crying, but still, she is still my puppy dog.

I want to know what colleges I'm going to get into now. I can't take this bullshit about if the college I want to go to is bad, or if I need to go to a state school because I won't get a giant scholarship, but I can't fucking take it because everyone keeps pulling me in a different direction. Just let me be.

Someone please talk to me.